A Recent Reconciliation

I recently reconciled with my real father after a 10 year period of a bizarre stalemate. Neither one of us seemed to want to move towards a reasonable resolve- and the reasons were unclear as to why.

Now the reasons seem clear- Neither of us really has that much to say. We both have separate lives. He recently remarried and he has two new step sons. I work, he works, we have no real history to talk about- we are not even really friends- eek. I realize that people who are related can actually not be friends. Friends requires a relationship, a give and take, a comraderie- we have never had that.

I am 27 and will soon be 28 and I realize that I don't even really know my real father. I have very few memories of us together when I was growing up. A few family reunions, a handful of times that he took us to dinner, or picked us up for the weekend- not a single moment of that stands out as some special moment between a father and a son. Something that we did just the two of us Father and Son.

The strange thing now is realizing that life was not always easy for him either, dealing with a step-father and an ex-wife could probably be difficult. He never really had time to just spend with me one on one. It would be easy to drift apart, hard to get to know, hard to know what to say when things needed to be said, hard to move forward, hard to pay child support- it could be very hard...

When he called the other day on the phone it was shocking to hear his laugh, it echoed mine. I saw some pictures of him recently and I realize that I got a few of his mannerisms too, but most of all, I think I got his inability to pick up the phone and make a call. Apparently neither one of us likes to pick up the phone and reach out. Life is just too busy, too full to add in what has never been. Making room in an already comfortable life is sometimes akward, cumbersome, not just for him, but for me too. I don't hold it against him for not calling, I don't hold any malice, or unforgiveness, we all make mistakes.

Only a few miles separate us, but within those miles is a chasm that will never be fully bridged. It is like an old scar that sometimes still burns with the memory of the pain that caused it.

The most frightening thing about injuries is the apprehension that comes with them, the not knowing if you are going to get hurt again, and the inability to take that risk. Fear and pride can be extremely paralyzing.

It was good hearing his voice, I had forgotten what it sounded like. It was nice talking and not talking about the past- letting sleeping dogs lie and moving ahead with life, and moving on with the understanding that we are who we are- we won't change, but we both accept that.