Humbled by a Hair Cut

It’s odd how dieting makes you feel. The very act of trying to do something better for yourself makes you feel good, but at the same time you feel deprived because you are no longer swilling 4 Dr. Peppers a day and a dozen chocolate chip cookies, you stopped eating 20 deep fried hot wings in a sitting, and you stopped munching down on butter-filled mashed potatoes, and homemade lasagna. You replace the sweets with fruit, the fried foods with grilled, the lasagna with salad. You do Yoga and work out 5 times a week and you start to notice the changes in your body. Your arms are bigger, you can walk to the car without losing your breath, you have more energy, and you start to feel really, really good about yourself- and then you go and get your hair cut.

When you get your haircut they drape that large black sheet around your body making you look like one of those scary masked people from Scream sans mask, or maybe a really large California Raisin. For some reason that black cape/tarp/sheet makes your body look three times its normal size- (or maybe it doesn’t- could I possibly be as a large as an elephant??? ) And the very worst part of the black cape is that it really shows you how fat your face is. It is amazing how the rest of your neck and body really help your face look slimmer, proportionate, handsome even. With the black tarp draped around me I suddenly become a bodiless freak with a big round head just floating mysteriously in the air- ugh! And then you have the fluorescent lights to deal with.

The fluorescent lights erase any pride you have left in yourself by revealing how thin your hair really is, no gel or mousse to hold it in place over your receding hairline, no buttery soft lights with shadows to conceal the shiny scalp. Nothing but you and your floating fat face and the barber asking you inane questions about your life that you really don’t care to answer because you’re too upset about the way that you look. For 10 minutes it is the most humbling moment you have had in the last 6 weeks.

Then the cape is removed and you suddenly appear to have lost 100 pounds, your hair looks great, your head- once reattached to the neck looks quite handsome once again and you feel obligated to tip 50 percent of what the haircut costs.