On the outside looking in...


I was looking at myself in the mirror and I started to realize that the diet is paying off. My arms are looking better, more cut, more defined. My traps are starting to stand up and say, “Hey, look at me.” My calves, well, they have always been amazing, and my waste line, it’s getting smaller too…

But then while I was looking at progress in the mirror there was a small feeling in my stomach that said, “What are you gonna do when you do get thin?” “What if you still can’t find Mrs. Right?” “What if you are still an emotional bowl of jello?” The voice was really nasal and pathetic sounding and I really didn’t appreciate it, but of course I listened to it…

Is my procrastination with dieting and getting in shape really a protective barrier? A way of sealing off the inevitable? A way of blocking out reality? Am I hiding behind a wall of fat – literally? As long as I have something to blame my singleness on, then maybe I don’t have to deal with the fact that I am not married, and that I can’t find someone that really interests me. (Editors Note: I have found many girls that have interested me, one actually stated, “I appreciate your interest in me but I can’t reciprocate those feelings”. Some of them I must admit- were already married.)

So please pardon my introspection, but my whole life I have always been waiting to achieve one goal so I can move on to the next. I remember when I was thin, I remember having better luck with the ladies, but I didn’t know who I was back then, I was still growing into the man that I have become. Now I know who I am, and I don’t need validation from society to feel good about myself, the validation I need is from me. I have expressed this before, and so forgive me for writing on this subject again. But I can’t help but look at my life and see a pattern- a pattern of self-loathing hidden by a shroud of self-delusion.

Sometimes I wonder why I worry about my looks so much, it’s like I have this Michael Jackson complex – (the complex of discontent, not the need to be around boys).

I can still remember being at the pool at Liberty Christian School when I was in the 4th grade and Jeff Rice pointed at my chest and said, “Oh my word” and covered his mouth and pointed. It was then that I realized that I was getting fat and that already I was getting man-boobs – a harsh reality to face for a 9 year old.

When I dieted in 1998 I lost 113 pounds in 9 months – I weighed 218 pounds and I ran all the time. I had liposuction on my chest after losing all that weight – they removed very little fat and mostly excess skin. My chest is still scarred and eventually I will have to go back one more time if I ever want it to look normal, but I don’t regret doing it, even when I have put weight back on my chest looks flatter and more normal as opposed to looking like Madonna in her “Like a Virgin” video where she had those huge cone shaped breasts on.

I weighed 345 this morning, fifteen pounds from my highest weight of 360. I have lost 8 pounds in 3 days on South Beach. Yeah, it could me "water-weight" but I think it is real fat that I have lost because I have been eating nothing but broccoli and chicken breast grilled over an open flame - and a few salads here and there. I have also been doing cardio like a mad man. My goal is to get down to 340 by the end of this month- 5 pounds in 4 days- should be quite a challenge, but I think I can do it!

I love you all.