Psycho Shoppers

So yesterday I went to the worlds worst grocery store chain - Albertson's. You would think that the one here in Plano would try to step it up because this is PLANO! Land of the free and home of the snooty upper crust. But nay, the management apparently does not understand that rich white people want to shop where the food is fresh, the store is clean, and the butcher in the meat department looks like he is cutting up cows in the back - not humans. Ha! Not this Albertson's, they think that people like to have their lunch meat sliced with a dirty blade and they want to be waited on by characters who would play roles in movies like, The Ring, Silence of the Lambs, and Nightmare on Elm Street.

The store is convenient and that is why I shop there, or else I would go right across the street to the Super Wal-Mart, but going to Super Wal-Mart is like going to the gym for cardio. I have to park a mile away from the store and once I finally make it inside I am normally dehydrated and winded. After wrestling a basket free from the snake-like string of carts that have been slammed together with the same force that they use to crash test side impact bags. I then have to circle around and around, zigzagging, weaving and bobbing through the other 8000 shoppers until I can find what I am looking for, when I leave I get a running start and push the basket out of the store and hop in it hoping that I have gained enough momentum to make it down the hill to where my car is because I am too tired to walk. The problem with this is control. It is hard to steer from inside the basket and twice I have careened out of control, once barely escaping a pregnant woman with 15 kids and a ferret, the other time hitting a curb and finding myself in the bed of a moving pick up truck - 20 miles later the driver finally stopped at his house and I was able to explain that I was part of Walmarts new service where the bag boy actually takes your purchases into your house - he was not amused.

So, back to my story about Alberstons....

I am in the produce aisle yesterday selecting some yellow onions and this lady yells out to this poor Mexican guy that is stocking the bananas - "Two Dollars and Fifty Cents for a one pound bag of shredded cabbage with some carrots tossed in? I can do better than that!" She is screeching it loud in the direction of the Mexican stocker but he doesn't dare pause or give the slightest indication that he hears her - smart man. I watch from behind the mound of yellow onions thinking that I would like to just zing one at her head. Lately I tire of people that are loud or even the slightest bit rude, I just can't tolerate it. The lady continues to scowl as she picks over the produce.

I grab my two onions and place them in my basket and quickly gather up the rest of my groceries. Still on the South Beach diet the aroma of fresh baked Chocolate Chip cookies wafts through the air, the smell is so rich and thick that I think I inhaled at least 50 carbohydrates. Then man on the intercomm just has to come on and say, "Fresh-Baked Chocolate Chip Cookies, Just 2.99 a bag, come try a free sample". My stomach growls with frustration and anticipation, it begs to be given just a sampling of the sweet chocolatey goodness. I tell it to SHUT. UP!! IT AIN"T GETTIN NOT CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES, NOT TODAY DANGIT!!

I drag myself to the register feeling like a large a very smooth metal ball being pulled by the magnet that is those chocolate chip cookies, but with one final vault I am free from their grip and I am in the safety of the self checkout lane.

I look to my left only to see Psycho Shopper cabbage lady. She is probably45 with dark curly brown hair, heart shaped face with a protruding chin, hard features, big nose, toss her in a black shawl and slap a pointy hat on her head and you have the witch that tried to cook Hansel and Gretel.

She is holding a large white onion proclaiming, "I ain't paying for that it is too expensive" she walks over and hands it to the one cashier and says, "Go get me a cheap yellow onion, all I want is a big cheap yellow onion." And so he is holding the onion and staring at it as if she just handed him a crystal ball. He gazes at it apparently hoping to see a future that doesn't involve wrinkled khaki's, bad hair cuts, and name badges. The witch lady doesn't even look at him, she only turns and continues to scan her groceries. Another lady comes over to help with the onion incident. She looks at the onion too and the lady tells her, "I ain't paying for that, it is too expensive" The older female cashier apparently has seen her fair share of Psycho shoppers and she quickly hurries away to get her a "cheap yellow onion" as she leaves she says, "It is expensive, I woudln't pay for it either". I didn't mention that the lady is black and the way she hurries off and what she says makes me think of slaves and how they were treated by their masters and it sent a prickly chill up my spine.

I again looked at my two big cheap yellow onions, just sitting there, I picked one up and I threw it as hard as I could at the witch woman's nose... Not really. But I sure wanted to.