Sideways
This week I am working at a remote location. I am one of those people that doesn't like to use public restrooms. I realize that most of my readers are ladies and I imagine that your bathrooms are rosy fresh and free of newspaper ridden stalls and urine sprinkled floors. I imagine that you have snack machines and a juke box in your restroom while most of the time we don't even have separators between the urinals for a little bit of privacy.
Today while at the remote location I found that I needed to take a grumpamoose and since I couldn't just drive to my house like I normally do I had to go at work in the public restroom. Ugh. Gross.
These work restrooms were apparently built in the 1960's when the average earthling was the size of a 4 foot Pygmy. Later they decided to install toilet paper dispensers the size of small hippo next to the toilet so the janitor would only have to change the toilet paper once a year - if that.
These enormous dispensers made it impossible for me (or anyone else I am sure) to sit on the toilet the normal way. I had to straddle the thing side saddle. This is not only uncomfortable but it does not allow for proper execution of the entire numero dos process. As we all know men are built differently than women and public toilets aren't built nice and round like they are at your house. I found that the oval shaped toilet made for near impossible bathrooming in such an akward positions and therefore trying to take a sideways bathroom break was once again a hassle.
For some reason while I am sitting there I can't help but think, "I so need to blog about this" and in the next thought I think about Ben of MIM and I think, "Oh, I bet he is the public restroom king and he would know what to do in this situation - too bad I don't have him on speed dial."
I finished my business albeit uncomfortably and departed with an additonal item to add to my list of why I don't like public restrooms.
Reason #68 Pooping sideways.
13 Comments:
I can't believe I am the first one to comment. I beat Ben, wahoo, I feel special.
Eddie - do you drive home when you are at regular work to go grumpamoose? Interesting.
Also, girl bathrooms can be very NASTY. Girls are gross in the bathroom and I have found many a soiled toilet seats that are just gross. Girls also make contact with the toilet for all bathroom episodes so the seat is almost always left with a little surprise. So Eddo take heart girls are equally gross just more dainty looking in our grossness.
Eddo, again this is far more information than I wanted to know! lol!! And didn't I teach you anything about being discreet, I mean do you have to share all that info? You remind me more of your dad everyday!! Remember the day you were on the front porch and he was asking what color your eyes were?
Eddie,
Your mom just SO set you straight in public.
Also, I am a little disconcerted at the thought of you thinking about me while you are taking a "grumpamoose" (We say "drop a growler" up here). And while I am not sure I have an "official" certificate stating I am the public restroom king, I hold so many titles that I am sure it's in my stack of official certificates somewhere. That said, I have no solution for you... beings that I am slightly larger than the size of a 4 foot pygmy, I never have this problem. Sorry buddy. Also, I think that it is against the restroom ediquette rules to use your cell phone while you are in the process of taking a grumpamoose. Chatting between grunts is not discreet. Right Mom?
OK. First, I just learned a new term (grumpamoose). Second, I just learned more than I wanted to. ;o) Third, women's bathrooms are just as nasty or worse, sometimes... I mean think about it...female problems, you know what I mean? Fourth, I hate going in public bathrooms too. I hate it.
Wait til you have kids and have to take them into public restrooms where they touch everything that you WOULD NEVER TOUCH, and then you have to wash their hands and rub hand sanitizer all over them and then you realize that they are sitting in the car cross-legged holding on to the bottom of their shoes which were on the FLOOR of that bathroom. It's a wonder we survive to adolescence.
I think I need to seriously consider the possibility of not reading this blog and its comments anymore. If my bladder was one 1/2 ounce fuller, I would have lost it all from laughter...oh, I have tears in my eyes this is so funny...
I'm sorry for the 'sideways situation' Eddo and hope it all works out better next time ;) Have a great Thursday!
AND - when I saw the post's title - I was soooo thinking it was something about the movie 'Sideways' - was I wrong.
grumpamoose? grumpamoose? this is my new favorite word.
eddie, i loved your description of the tiny stall and hippo-sized toilet paper dispenser. it's so true!
i always drive home if i have "that" need while i'm at work, regardless of what time of day it is.
i am NOT a public-pooper.
Eddie also I forgot to tell you at the Melting Pot that the girl restrooms were just as small as what you described the boys to be. And it had the HUMONGOUS toilet paper dispenser that took up all the moving room. I HATE that.
Oh my lord (wipes tears from her eyes), I've not laughed this hard in quite some time.
You are something else Eddo.
I could not agree more!!! Why must the stall be so tiny and the toilet paper dispenser be so large? I, too, have pondered this once or twice. I think we should write to our local congressman and ask, no DEMAND bigger restrooms! We are not the small waisted society we once were- there are larger (or as I say- more healthy) people out there!!! Love the post!
~Julie
Oh man Eddie, what a riot!
Pooping sideways!!! Bwahahahaha!!
What is with the oval toilets anyway? Why do they do that?
I have been looking for sites like this for a long time. Thank you! »
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