This Friendship is Over!
"[Francis] is the most boring child I ever met, talking to him is like settling slowly to the bottom of the ocean." - Scout from To Kill a Mockingbird
This quote is perfect. It puts into words the exact feeling I have when talking to a particular person. Whenever I am with them it is like being trapped in a coffin and every word they speak is like the dull thud of dirt being shoveled on top of me.
I read a book by T.D. Jakes called, "Loose that Man and Let Him Go!" One of the most important things that Jakes teaches is about letting go of old friends that are pulling you down. I remember him telling us not to feel guilty for letting past friends go, but I dont' recall how he told us to do it.
How do you tell someone you no longer want to be their friend?
My parents raised my sisters and I to be servant-hearted. My mom was like Mother Teresa and my dad was like Ghandi - they always reached out a hand and even when they had their hands bitten by the people they were feeding they still reached out - they are amazing. I am not there yet. I don't forgive and forget quite as easily.
Sacrifice is part of what Christians are all about. We die to ourselves for other people. We bend over backwards, we turn the other cheek, and we do it all because that is what Christ did and what we are taught to do. However, let me be the first to say I am not a saint and I am definitely not the Son of God. I can only take so much, I can only tolerate a parasitic relationship for so long, and once I have been sucked dry of all kindness and mercy I have to move on.
I still don't know exactly how to move on. Normally I just stop calling that person and let the friendship die like an un-watered plant, but sometimes, like a cactus, these friendships won't just dry up, they keep pricking you when you least expect it hoping to come back into your life. Ugh.
Proverbs 18:24 says, "A man of many friends may come to ruin, but there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother."
I always try to be a good friend, a positive encouragement to the people I love and Christ-like to those I don't.
I don't have all the answers, I am not Dr. Phil or Oprah, but what I have learned in the last 10 years is that sometimes you outgrow your friends before they outgrow you.
So what do you do?
64 Comments:
Eddie, you are a good friend.
Well then Ben,
It's not you . . . . it's me
Sorry to have to do this on Eddi's blog but you know, neutral territory and all
:)
wheee look at me pre-commenting to Ben's comment, I am so COOL
Eddie-
If you don't want to be my friend... just TELL me.
HA!
Um... Seinfeld had an episode where he was trying to "break up" with a friend. Just do what Jerry did... "It's not you... it's me."
Oh poor Eddo: I've been in that same situation a number of times before, but it was usually on account of that person sucking me dry emotionally: and then knocking me down every chance they get (have I mentioned that my middle name is "doormat"?).
So anyway, I've had to literally confront two people that I can remember and just tell them that "this relationship is just too damaging to my emotional well-being and that unless they can miraculously change the way they treat me in a heartbeat, that we need a LONG break from one another."
It's hard, but effective. And in the case of someone who bores you to tears? Well.. I say just do EVERYTHING you can to let it die on it's own. If that's not possible, then you're going to just have to be honest.
I'm definitely not claiming a "Dear Abby" role here Eddo, just speaking from experience, that's all ;)
How did you do that KT?
Ben, "I don't want to be your friend, hanging out with you is like being trapped in a coffin, with big roaches and snakes, and old smelly cheese." How's that? ha ha. Ben, you are not a vampire friend or else I would have stopped visiting MIM a long time ago.
Stephanie, thanks for the advice, you are a good "Dear Abby" and every now and then I need a Dear Abby.
Eddie - NO IDEA, it was like some the perfect blog storm, you can't explain it, you can't repeat it, it just is
And to answer the question of your post, I've been there, it's hard and feelings get hurt, I'm a big fan of "group activities" with people that suck you dry, that way the suckage is spead over a greater number of people, thereby reducing the percentage of suckage aimed at me
Oooh, that is wise.
Note to Self: Only hang out with leeches in large groups, pass leech along to next person when you are drained.
That happened to me on time on katie's blog...
And Katie... you only wish you could STOP being my friend... the coolness factor seeps from my every pore...
You can't resist being my friend...
Ooooh Katie! That's true too! I have a "friend" like that from church. She's sweet and has all the great intentions in the world, but she's extremely socially inept. I'd much rather be "trapped in a coffin, with big roaches and snakes, and old smelly cheese" than talk with her. It's painful. (Eddo, you're so great! hahaha)
So I just make sure I don't find myself alone in a room with her, rather, surrounded by lots and lots of other people who can I share the joy with!
Katie: "suckage". You're great too! haha
Okay, and what the crap was up with all the random commenting that Katie/Ben was doing? I'm SOOO confused!
What happened to you Ben? You got passed around? Or you got sucked dry? LOL just kidding man....
Eddo- Fake your death man, then that person can only mourn the fact that they were such a leech. That is what I always do..... If all else fails fake your death.... LOL just kidding I don't know what you should do man. That sucks I am sorry
oooh, faking death... How does one go about doing that? Let me google it...
Eddie, this is taking a turn for the insane
Eddo - I only give that advice as long as I am not the person sucking life from you, we hang out in large groups, wait is it me, am I boring you to death, next time I will be much more entertaining and aloof so as not to have any suckage quality
Ben: yes it does ooze from your pores and I think you should see a doctor for that, any oozing is unhealthy
Stephanie: Blogger just liked me better than Ben and allowed me to pre-empt him comment over and over again, whee in the cool race, blogger choose me as the winner
Logan: faking death? extreme and yet kind interesting, eddie if you fake your death at least make it a cool death, like being attacked by a rabid band of penguins or something, becuase if you gotta go you should go out with style (and you always have style)
Ha Ha, that was funny about the attack of Rabid Penguins. If I do fake my death KT I will probably need your assistance - and no, you are NOT the TICK.
The TICK in this instance will not be named, but when I wrote this post I had 3 specific people in mind. You know all three of them, but only indirectly. 2 of the 3 did go to DBC, they don't anymore and haven't in quite some time...
Yeah penguins that is a good one. Or maybe like slipping in your kitchen and some how accidentally drowning in a table spoon of water, because I think they say that is possible somehow. Or maybe a pack of Chinchillas
Eddie-
You could go out in style by going Taco Bueno and stuffing yourself with all the goodness that they can offer until you have suddenly become one giant stuffed burrito which has exploded all over the place. If you were smuggled into the country in a tortilla shell... then you might as well die in one.
No?
And you are right Katie... it MUST be you. lol.
look at ben, picking fights
tisk tisk
being attacked by a rabid band of penguins?!?!?!
Where do you come UP with this stuff?
Drowning in a tablespoon of water? hahaha
This IS taking a turn toward the insane!
You think that's bad... you should see the fight I just picked with you over on my blog.
lol
Wait for me! I've missed out on all the fun and gore! RATS!(and beans). Death by rabid penguins? Death by Chinchillas? Old Smelly Cheese??? This is most interesting indeed.
Yeah, I don't really know how to help you with this one Eddo. I have a Dear Abby though, as you know. Sweetest pooch in the world. And I read Dear Abby everyday. I've been addicted for years.
Best of luck to ya.
P.S. Ever thought of fighting on UFC? They had BIG guys on there last night. 6'8" and 6'10". The 6'8" won by knockout. geesh!
Rig it so that your head a-splode in the middle of said boring conversation.
Not to be serious or anything, but I am of the opinion (a-la Steve Sporre's Story/12 Step Action) that these folks should be confronted lovingly. Especially if they are a brother or sister.
Letting people know that they are the one that smells is no fun, and I suck at it, but I am somehow still of the opinion that I should do it.
The model my church has taught is to take them aside alone, and if they listen to reason, you have won your brother/sister over. If they do not listen, then take along some other, more seasoned believers they respect. If they fail to respond to your exhortation, then treat them as unbelievers until they repent.
Just how it seems to someone who knows none of the details.
can I just state right now that a little spark of joy invades my heart every time JCol uses the phrase "Rats(and beans)" because it is a special shout out to me and my wacked out brain. Sparks flying.
oh and, what Eric said is what I would really do (I try to talk all the crazy stuff but really I am very normal and boring).
Good luck Eddo, I hope it works out without hurt feelings and maybe a good relationship that is healthy
Why is that Katie do you have pet Rats that you feed beans to?
ewwww, I HATE rats, they are on the same level as SNAKES, evil beats that deserve extermination, no JCol says "rats and mice" when things go wrong and one time she said "rats" and I follwed it "and beans" for no reason other than that is what jumped in my head (I don't try to even justify my immediate thought process) so now you know and now you may join the club that things I am officially a bit "off"
K-T, I do it in honor of you, and because my mind automatically hears you say "and beans!" when ever I say RATS! I do it everytime now, without thinking. Both online and in person.
Sparks right back to ya babe.
(wouldn't Brian LOVE this conversation??) ha ha.
K-T, I really think you thought I said "and beans" instead of "and mice". Isn't that what happened? Maybe I'm getting old like Ben McMinn and don't remember anymore. sigh.
um, yeah right Jes, I have a MAGNETIC personality and I seem to attract crazies. Do I need to resurrect my post about me be the Leader of the Crazy World?
slowly pull away, and soon that person will have entirely forgotten about you.
Being a person that has complete strangers come up to him and tell their most deep secrets (especially if alcohol is involved, see my previous post) I've learned to just sit back and let them do this. As long as they don't touch me in any manor, which people do, I do not know why people feel the need to touch my head like they do...
...what was I trying to say?
C-Rev why do people want to touch your head? That IS bizarre.
EM: You are correct, Sometimes Ben and KT need to have an ALL Comments blog. I love that idea. No real posts, just topics. haha.
Okay, Katie and Ben need to start a new blog called The Katie and Ben Show. The rest of us will just throw out random topics and let them go at it.
I'm game, let's take this show on the road. Wait, which one of us is the sidekick? The sidekick never gets a cool costume. I want a cool costume. So I'm game if I get a cool costume. And a cool name. And my name is the same size as Ben's on the sign, and I get my own dressing room, with only brown m&m's cause chocolate is already brown so they are the most natural. Oh and I get to touch C-Rev's head, just once at least.
And why are all of Eddie's comments pre-empting other people's comments. Blogger has now crowned him the winner
Blogger is on drugs today. I keep getting duplciate comments in my inbox.
I loved the fact that you tossed in "I get to rub C-Rev's head at least once" that killed me! LOL!
Yeah, I was scrolling up b/c I didn't remember if EM had commented, but I didn't think that she had. Then I thought it was a typo and maybe he ment AM (me), but then I was like "how did he know what I was thinking??". Then I scrolled down and it made more sense. And then it didn't, because why is blogger doing that.
Sometimes I think I sound alot like Jes.
And now I will be like her and correct myself because I really do know how to spell "meant". It was just a typo. really.
Where is Jes? We need multiple comments by multiple people, just like the good ol' days when Eddo and K-T would have 50 or 100+ comments.
jessica is being industrious and working
i am being industrious! only a few more minutes of industriousness and i will be entirely through being industrious.
and also, if katie and ben had a katie and ben show, it would TOTALLY have to have a red curtain and stage, and little cartoon images of them, and in the background music should play that goes, "The Kaatiieeeee and Beeeeheeeeheeeeheeeennnnn Shoooowwwwwwww!!!" You know, like the Itchy and Scratchy show (from The Simpsons, don't act like you didn't know). And maybe when it plays that introductory theme song, katie's and ben's cartoon heads could bobble back and forth.
wheee I got first billing
jes, I thought of that song too because that is the song "the condi and katie show" was set to
Or we could do the Condi and Ben and K-T show. Now wouldn't THAT be interesting. Three's Company?
"with only brown m&m's cause chocolate is already brown so they are the most natural"
I TOTALLY caught that Maria!!!
OOOH! Can I sing the theme song! And since JCol committed to being a fly girl way back when she could do a little happy dance across the screen during the opening credits!
I might just scare all of the viewers away though. But I'll try. Eddo, I need some Maniacs moves. More dance lessons please.
Come and knock on my door...
Was that in reference to Three's Company or to the agreement of dance lessons? Or both?
ha ha, just the 3's company.
Dance lesson's are no longer free... ha ha. just kidding. I will show you some ManiAAC moves anytime.
but that makes Ben John Ritter and me Suzanne Summers and Condi Joyce Dewitt (had to look her name up because noone remembers her).
The internet remembered...but I guess then it would have to be the Internet.
I was going to say to just stop calling, but then you mentioned it before the end. Still, just stop calling and maybe they will realize that you have lost interest???
I'm game... It would have to be the Ben and Katie show... and not the Katie and Ben show... and I would have to have my own dressing room with my favorite foods... that's the only way I will agree to this.
lol.
Walk away from your computer for 6 hours and See what I miss??
Sheesh, I feel like I'm a little late to this party.
I have no friends.
I feel like I am intruding on a private conversation that has gone way over my head, but about the question in your post. Everyone who has a relationship with anyone else has something that he/she gets from the relationship. Sit down, analyse your "friend" and try to see why that person is coming to you. You are giving out something that 'invites'. When you have figured out what he/she wants, quit giving it. If a person can't get satisfaction from a relationship he/she will break the relationship and you will be free. (I used to teach this stuff in interpersonal commmunication- now you can see why I retired)
Nice chatroom in here. It's tough to become unavailable to someone all of a sudden when you have always been there for each other. Do you have to cut ALL ties? Why not drift away slowly...then taper off. I just get busy with people who bring me up and responsibilties...and there is little time for anything/anyone else...but that's me and my busy life...MARRIED WITH CHILDREN. They're always a good excuse. That's it...maybe you should just get married and have a few kids! That'll get this guy/gal off your back! :)
Ditto for me. It's not easy, and I'm often in the same boat.
What interesting friends you have commenting on your blog. Wonder which one is going to get dumped?
Hey remember Jakes also said in Maximize the Moment, the three "C's"
Confront
Compromise
Cut Off
Confront em, if they won't Compromise, then Cut Em off!!
I guess you could quit anwering the phone when they call, or you could write them a letter. Or you could just tell them that you need some space right now. Pray for your answer and let the spirit guide you. Good luck.
Good words, three score and ten more.
Just tell the person you will get back to them but you are waiting for the State Dept. of Human Infectious Disease to call you (don't elaborate). Or you can tell them you are on the Playstation. "I'll call you when my turn is over"
If that doesn't work, Costco has really affordable luxury coffins.
okay, all seriousness aside (get that?) after a while, they will see it's one-sided. Or, you can ask for a time-out or time away. I've done that with family, friends, etc...at least to give me perspective (prayer, bigtimus).
I always find that this works pretty good for boring conversations...a la Chappelle
Fun Eddo! I'll be your SIXTIETH comment. Besides, I never get to write sixtieth. Is it spelled right? It doesn't look right.
And your mom is right, you do have the most interesting group of commneters. But then, you already knew that.
Happy Friday!
Just bumbulling around the blogworld and would like to say...My soon to be mate was jealous of my friends of many years. I went to my friends and told them I was going to marry the guy and couldn't see them any more, it was too much stress for him.
These same friends had told me they couldn't stand first bf and would see me later.
We are all still friends....
If you are really friends with these people, just tell them you need time alone for awhile, thank you for understanding.
If you are not friends, tell them to take a hike, you are busy with your friends and move on.
Don't mislead them and don't game them or pretend and don't wait for them to "get it" when you stop calling or taking their calls, just tell them the truth.
I don't feel like you are my friend/I can be your friend anymore.
It saves a bunch of hassle later to do it the right way now.
maybe you just need to be more like Jesus
anonymous, I've tried, I was no good at it.
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