Look at me! Love ME! WANT ME!!

My life has changed. Have I evolved? Maybe. A series of things led up to this change, some of them I am not quite proud of, others couldn't be helped.

My entire life I have been a Christian. I accepted Christ underneath a tree at Vacation Bible School. I memorized the books of the Bible, sang songs, and learned about Samson and Delilah from a Sunday School teacher who used a felt board and stuck cut out shapes on it as she talked.

I was a good boy, or at least I tried to be and for most of my Christian life, up until about the age of 19-20 I believe that Salvation was something that could be lost. I believed everything that came out of someone's mouth as long as they were standing behind the pulpit. If they said it, it was the gospel truth.

As I got older I went to different churches and I heard different teachings. In college the majority of my classmates believed in Evolution and now days when I speak at the boys home, hardly any of them know about Samson and Delilah, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, or Daniel in the lions den. My myopic view of the world has been enlarged and my understanding of what it means to be a Christian has changed.

I used to get hostile when someone said they believed in Evolution. I thought people who didn't believe in Jesus Christ and the Trinity were ignorant and foolish and I believed people that were gay or lesbian were vile and in some cases irrelevant, demon possessed, and/or crazy. (thank God I have changed and I see the errors of my ways and I am sorry)

In my 25 years of being a Christian what I have learned most is that we Christians have misrepresnted Christ. We haven't loved our neighbor as ourself. We haven't turned the other cheek. We haven't been loving and kind. Instead we have taken our religion and tried to force feed it to people. We treat them like babies and when they won't take the word of God we zoom it around above their heads and make airplane noises hoping that they will be fooled into accepting Christ the second time around. Each time we leave a bad taste in their mouths and we sit back appalled by their unwillingness to accept the food that we know will nourish them. THE FOOLS! UGH!!

In more recent years the "church" has changed. Some churches have become more tolerant and instead of lovingly teaching the truth, they have removed the truth altogether. They have conveniently omitted the "thou shalt not's" and have chosen to use the parts of the Bible that aren't "outdated and old-fashioned."

The face of the church has changed as well. It's more hip and way cooler. Everyone has shed their jackets and ties for distressed jeans and untucked button-up shirts. We are tanned and buff and we drive SUV's with fish symbols on the back. Our websites our exciting and filled with Flash elements and appealing designs. It is almost as if we have become more corporate and we have decided to market Christ like the latest energy drink. "Drink Christ - He'll Give You Wings!"

What I find disturbing is that people (and by people I mean myself included) are willing to do a great deal for God as long as it doesn't require any real sacrifice. We don't want to get our hands dirty for God anymore.

Growing up I was a clean kid for the most part. I liked things to be uncluttered and I really didn't like to get my hands dirty. One time my dad made the comment to my mom, "Eddie doesn't like to get his hands dirty." He was right and I vowed that when I got older I would never work on a car or dig ditches unless it was something I wanted to do. Now I find the same haughtiness and arrogance has carried over into my spiritual life. Sure I'd like to reach out and help others, but that requires commitment, responsibility, time, and sometimes dealing with people that I'd rather not associate with.

I saw a man walking the other day and I thought about asking him if he needed a ride and the first thing that popped into my head was, "What if he smells funny?" Heaven forbid my nose be offended for 10-15 minutes while I offered a helping hand.

Today when I was at the boys home I was asked by one of the staff members if I was going to come back and talk to the boys after lunch and I quickly said, "No, I need to go." As soon as I said it I thought, "What do you have to do that is so important?"

One of the boys asked me today to pray for his dad. He said, "I think my dad may die and if he dies I feel like I might die, he is all I have." It touched my heart and saddened me, not because he was going to lose his dad but because he felt like his dad was all that he had. What it told me about him was that he didn't fully understand that God is in control and that God can be his heavenly father and his earthly father - God can be his all and all. I agreed to pray for David's father, but I told him that if his father died that he shouldn't blame God and that he needed to understandt hat God isn't a genie that we can go to to solve all of our problems. Instead we pray to God for direction and that His will be done - not ours. (So much easier said than done!)

Later I spoke to a boy who was worried about going home to San Antonio because back in San Antonio he is the leader of a gang. I told him that right now he had a decision to make that would define him for the rest of his life. How he chooses to live from this point forward matters and what he decides to do when he leaves the boys home could mean him changing the world for the better or for the worse. He was required to leave and go and eat with the rest of the guys and my parents were going to come back after we went and ate and continute to minister to the boys. I had other urgent plans like coming home and relaxing and cooling off. That was definitely more important than giving up one more hour of my time and possibly changing someone's life forever.

The last year of my life has been an eye-opener. I danced my legs off for the Mavericks and for myself and I lived in a world that was all about attention and a little taste of celebrity. Everything I did as a Mavs ManiAAC seemed to scream out, Look at me! Love ME! WANT ME!! And I justified it because it was a "Once in a lifetime opportunity!"

When the music came on during the Maverick's games I loved to dance. Our leader would always come up with some choreographed dance move and the fans would turn around and take pictures of us and point and smile. If they showed us on the jumbo tron you would have thought that God himself had sent a dove to alight on our shoulders and then said over the loud speakers, "These are my beloved Fat Male Dancers in whom I am well pleased."

I look back at being a ManiAAC and I am ashamed to some degree. I spent so much time pouring myself into something that really added no value to the human race. Sure I provided some laughs and some moments of joy, but in reality I didn't do anything during that time other than promote and glorify Eddie Renz.

In the last year I spent on average 15 hours a week doing stuff with the Mavericks. If I had used that same time reaching out to people how many lives could I have changed? It makes me think of Schindler's List and this scene toward the end where he is given a ring that is engraved with, "Whoever saves one life saves the world entire."

Seeing his luxurious car, Schindler is consumed with guilt, realizing he could have bribed ten more Jews from Göth for it. He pulls the Nazi Party pin from his lapel, and cries, "This is gold. I could have gotten one more person for this. He would have given me one... One more person." The Jews that he saved surround him, reaching out to comfort him with assuring words, "You have saved so many."

When my life is nearing it's end I don't want to look back at a wall filled with pictures of me dancing in various costumes, instead I want to see the faces of the people whose lives I have touched.

I don't want to be sitting in a nursing home reminiscing about the time that I met Slim Thug and performed on the Jay Leno Show, no, I want to be living in the present where I am continuing to reach out to others in need even if all I can do is lend a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear.

And when I am six foot under I don't want people to remember how good I could pop-lock, or how big my house was, or how nice I dressed, I want them to remember that I was kind, and loving, and that I helped them move when they needed to be moved, I helped them paint their house when it needed painting, I gave them warmth when they were cold, and I gave them food when they were hungry. I want them to remember that I wasn't selfish and self-absorbed but instead I tried to make a difference in this world.