Free

“He’s gone… he left… he’s really gone… I’m…. I’m… FREEEEE!!” Cristina Yang stammered and then shouted. Her face crinkled with a pained expression of both anguish and delight like a bird being released from a cage. The scene continued… “Get me out of this dress! Get me out of this dress!” She squirmed and writhed as Meredith Gray practically ripped her out of her wedding dress. Cristina’s face contorted, her breath was heavy, I couldn’t help but imagine a caterpillar escaping from a cocoon and bursting forth with wings of freedom.

I can so relate to this scene from Gray’s Anatomy. I find that in some ways I am like Cristina Yang, I want to be in a relationship, but when I am in one, I feel trapped. Limited. Controlled. I always felt like one day I would settle down, get married, have a few kids, but maybe I’m not the marrying kind? Maybe I’m only fooling myself into thinking that someday having a family and kids will be a reality for me – not because I want it, but because everyone else wants it for me. 

I hear it all the time, “You’ll be a great dad!” “You are so marriageable” “Why aren’t you married yet? Let me fix you up with someone!”. No thanks. In this area and like many areas of my life, I need to take care of this myself, when the time is right for me.

Maybe one day I will settle down, but right now I am just too selfish to share my life with someone else.  It’s not necessarily something I’m proud of or ashamed of, it’s just the truth and you know the truth will set you… Free.