When Will I Become a Butterfly?

For the past few years I feel like I’ve been trapped in a cocoon and I’m struggling to GET. OUT.

Every time I feel like I am about to have a breakthrough – financially, physically, spiritually, I always seem to have a large setback. Bills and injuries seem to descend upon me at the penultimate moment, the moment that they will be the most devastating or crushing. Not only to my actual person, but also to my emotional psyche.

The constant failures have worn me down. I used to be this mountain of determination, I’m now a nice flat plain of apathy. I still try, I just don’t have high expectations of success for myself. What I do now is I try to have small victories instead of big ones. I think that is what life has become for me. Every day I try to have some small victory. I try not to buy a Starbucks coffee, I try to go to the gym, I try to eat healthy, I try to read my Bible. I try to pray.

People often ask me, “Why aren’t you married?” and the main reason I think is because I don’t feel I’m at my best for someone at the moment. I wouldn’t want to marry me in my present state. My affairs aren’t all in order, my priorities aren’t where they need to be. My career goals are still unsettled. Those are things I can fix before I settle down.

There are days that I have small victories and I feel that a series of small changes will one day turn into a great accomplishment. Every day I try to become a better person and one day I will burst out of this cocoon and fly, but for now, I’ll continue to struggle and grow and in the end, I’ll be stronger for it.