8.31.2005

A Snippet of Truth from Dean Koontz

If you haven't noticed already, I like to write. I also love to read and one of my all-time favorite authors is Dean Koontz. I have read everything that he has written and I am ecstatic that he puts out a new novel about every 6 months. Last year he started his own version of Frankenstein.

Koontz's Frankenstein is alive today and is 200+ years old. His body has been kept alive by his many advances in scientific medicine and he is creating a society of superhumans that have two hearts and extraorinary healing powers. One day Dr. Frankenstein plans to take over the world. This new book is actually a series of books he is wriging all entitled "Dean Koontz's Frankenstein" and I am currently reading book two - City of Night.

What I love about Koontz is that each of his books have a brilliant underlying message. In this current book, City of Night, Frankenstein's creation's are starting to fall apart. He has created them without the capacity to love or to hope. They have no free will, they only have one purpose and that is to carry out the will of their creator. They have been implanted into society and they sit around envious of the human race because they have the ability to have children, to hope, and to love. They desire to kill or to commit suicide to give them some release from the horror that is their lives, but they have been programmed and so suicide and murder are forbidden.

Here is a brilliantly written excerpt that even out of context I think you will still grasp its enormity...

"Emotions are funny things, Mrs. Helios. Maybe it's better, after all, to be
limited to only envy and anger and fear and hate - because those feelings are
circular. They turn endlessly back on themselves, like a snake swallowing its
tail. They lead to nothing else, and they keep the mind from hope, which is
essential when hope will never be fulfilled."


A good novel will keep you entertained, a great novel will teach you something new and teach you something about yourself.

I don't know if Koontz is a christian, but I know he knows of God. You cannot write the way he does without the knowledge that we are not alone in this world. If you don't already read Koontz, then start today!

And since I am speaking of books today, Nikki Johnson a dear friend of mine, sent me this link -
http://www.libraryhotel.com/index.shtml

It is a very cool concept. It is a hotel that is themed after a library and you can actually request to stay in a particular room filled with the literature that you like! Awesome! Go check it out! (thanks Snik!)



8.30.2005

Red Eye

No need for Visine, this one is a keeper...

Rachel McAdams you are an on-screen wonder. I loved you in "The Notebook" opposite Ryan Gosling. How I envied him, the way he got to hold you, to look into your eyes, to kiss your perfect lips. Your hair was strawberry blonde and it suited you so well. You were passionate and alive and so full of raw energy, you made me swoon.

Then I saw you again in Wedding Crashers. Raven black hair, blue eyes, smooth creamy skin. I wanted to press my cheek against yours, I wanted to hold you, to laugh with you, to tell you that I would make all of your dreams a reality. You were so close to me, yet still so far away.

Most recently I watched you in your latest movie, "Red Eye". Again you changed your hair, but it did not detract for your glorious beauty. Like the same jolt of electricty that brought Dr. Frankenstein's creation to life, you bring me to life.

I must admit that your acting skills were superb in Red Eye, the movie was riveting, the storyline was brilliant, but the movie would have been nothing without you. Nothing.

Rachel, you have inspired me to lay my soul bare before thousands, you have smitten me with your style, your grace, your warmth. I want you, I need you, I can't live without you.

Will you marry me?

I just couldn't pass this up...

You can't cut the cheese when you please! -Terrible Terry Tate

Click Here for this Hilarious Movie compliments of my good buddy Joe and our friend Isis... you know, the one from Bring it On!... (just kidding)



8.29.2005

Tales from Kanakuk Kamp

You may not know this about me, but I like a challenge. When someone says, "That is the hardest (fill in the blank)" then I want to try it. Why? Because I like the attention that it brings. For some reason I think that I am a Ricky Martin type trapped in a Football players body. I was meant to be dancing around on stage in butt-hugging jeans and open chested versace shirts. I should have girls lined up outside my door hoping just to get a glimpse of my brilliant white smile and my perfectly chiseled face with wonderful cheekbones. Unfortunately, God had other things in mind.

So here I am 29 and I have lived a life that is not as glamorous as Diddy's or Enrique Iglesias', but I have been granted a wonderfully blessed life filled with opportunities that I wouldn't trade for a penny less than 100,000 bucks.

Here is one such opportunity...

The entire time I was part of the high school youth group at our church I wanted to go to Kanakuk Kamps, a church Kamp outside of Branson, MO. My longing for this glamorous destination did not come from the uber-fun experience that was supposed to be had at said Kamp, but because it was THE Kamp to go to and all the cool kids were going and what pray tell is more important than being cool when you are in high school? However, as fate would have it, Kanakuk Kamps was, and still is, priced way outside of my budget and so I had to live the kamp experience vicariously through the numerous privileged kids that did get to go.

So if you are an inferring type, you can infer from the fact that I didn't go to Kamp, that I obviously wasn't cool.

When I graduated High School I became a high school leader in this same youth group that I had been a part of where all the cool kids were spending their blissful summers away at this luxiourous and exotic kamp that I imagined was filled to the brim with celebs and magic shell and hot single christian girls eager to date red-blooded American Christian virgin men. During my time as a high school leader I was asked if I wanted to be a Kamp Kounselor at the heretofore unattainable Kanakuk Kamp - of course I bit onto that opportunity like a pit-bull on a candy-coated 5 year old girl. Only death could keep me from enjoying this once in a lifetime experience.

Work was rescheduled, bills were put on hold, parents were expected to step in and assist and in July of 1999 I made my way to Lampe, MO with multiple pairs of underwear and a buttload of toothpaste and deodorant.

If you recall from the beginning of this story that I like a challenge and so when they asked me what age group I wanted to work with I of course chose the youngest and the most difficult - Tee Pee 1. (I also made up tee pee 1 cheers that I will have to share with you sometime)

At the time I signed up I didn't realize that they should have named this Tee Pee One to "All Pee in the bed at least once."

I remember seeing the faces of my first group of kampers. Each one of them had a look of blissful excitement mixed with an ample amount of stark terror. 10 boys all between the ages of 6 and 8, almost none of them had ever spent more than a single night away from their parents. Suddenly they were thrust into the wilderness in a large, white, extremely hot tee pee, with a counselor who in the dark resembled King Kong after a bad acid trip. I actually can't say I blame them for wetting the bed, and wet the bed they did - but they didn't stop there...

Two of my kids stood out from the rest. They were brothers ages 6 & 7. They had enormous orbs for eyes that were blue like cobalt and when you coupled those eyes with their large odd shaped heads then it was easy to imagine that these kids were the spawn of some otherworldly alien and that at any minute they might point to the sky with an illuminted finger and ask to phone home.

The younger of these two boys was still wearing diapers and his parents asked me to try to keep it as private as possible so as not to embarrass their son. I was happy to oblige and I took it upon myself to make sure that all feelings remained intact while they resided under my tee pee.
The thing about little boys and kamp is that after a couple of days of playing together, eating together, and showering together, nothing embarrasses them much...

One morning I awoke and found the younger of the two Lilliputian aliens standing buck-nacked next to his bunk with his diaper around his ankles. Sleep doing its best to keep its grip on me I wondered if I was dreaming, to my dismay I was not.

PJ, the little aliens name who I must admit I had grown extremely fond of, had apparently crapped his pants during the night. That's right I said CRAPPED. HIS. PANTS. He looked at me and said, "Eddie, LOOK!" He pointed to the soiled huggies in a heap at his feet. PJ's tone was not one of embarrassment or shame, it was one of indignant disgust. He pointed at it again and said, "LOOK!" as if some devil of doody had snuck into his shorts and left a present in his britches. My eyes I am sure grew as big as the saucers that had probably escorted this boy to earth. Still slightly shocked out of my gourd I just stared at him and then finally I said, "Step away from the diaper, slowly." This boy had dropped a bomb quite literally and I didn't want to have to deal with any repercussions from this weapon of mass destruction.

Grabbing a towel and some soap and in the most encouraging voice I oculd muster I told PJ, "Come with me to the showers, we'll get you all cleaned up." I marched his naked little but down to the showers which were about 50 feet away. He walked arrogantly and with pride as if he was bedecked in the most royal of robes. I couldn't help but think of "The Emperors new clothes".

I adjusted the water temperature sufficiently and instructed him to thoroughly scrub himself repeatedly until he was clean as a surgeons hands just before surgery. When he was sparkling clean I wrapped him in the towel and he smiled at me the most amazing smiled that said, "I love you". My heart leapt and for a fleeting moment I knew what it felt like to be a dad.

I took him back to the Tee Pee only to find that another kamper was dealing with a case of Pizza Bumper... but that story will have to wait for another day.



8.26.2005

The Emancipation of Eddie

Visitors, Friends, Family, Loved Ones, Enemies, Haters, Playas... you have done it, you have helped me reach my goal of 5000 unique visitors this month! (actually 5051 as of yesterday!!)

I realize that lately I have been behind on my posting due to some serious design work and rapping, however, I promise to be back with many a story for you next week. Will the stories be true? Um... Probably not, and that is what makes them such great stories! I promise to give you all the lurid details of my life. I might discuss "pizza bumper" and wearing wet clothes to the gym. I might tell you about the latest fashion craze, or the best tasting new food that I keep gorging on, or I might tell you about the differene between flirting and sexual harassment... so be sure to check back next week and I know you won't leave disappointed.

This week I feel free because I have completed so many jobs that were tying me down. I have a little extra money in the bank to spend on something that I want, and I am listening to Mariah Carey's new song "Shake it Off" and thus the reason for this blog title.

I love you all and thanks so much for visiting Posted Note.



8.25.2005

A Party Happening

I just designed this for Adrianne because she was nice enough to read my book and help me edit it.

Thanks Adrianne!

http://www.postednote.com/unhappy.htm

I am still tweaking it, but it is 99% complete.

Eddo's New Gal

I had heard people talk about her, but I wasn't interested. To me she looked a little too much like all the other girls on the block. I avoided her time and time again despite the fact that the more I saw her the more attracted to her I became. Finally I decided to give her a chance and now I think I am in love.

I have been seeing her now on a daily basis. We have breakfast and lunch together almost every day. She always has cold iced tea waiting for me, a flaky biscuits for breakfast, hot sandwiches for lunch.

She is such a sweet gal, all my friends love her too. Sometimes I call her Cutie, sometimes QT, but her name is Quick Trip.

Quick Trip, QT, I am sorry it took so long for me to realize how amazing you are. Since we met you have brought countless joys to me life. I love you just the way you are, never change.

Yours Forever,

Eddo



8.23.2005

The Great Butt Rap-Off

Since not everyone reads the comments I had to post these here from yesterday's comment section. And I added a new rap at the bottom...

CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
I put ads on Butts and I cannot lie
those kind of Butts that make grown men cry
some call it a sin with a lack of taste
But that round thing in your face

Eddo puts a link there, right on her sphincter
So why ya advertise on a Honda, Instead of a big-bottomed Ronda
Cause Ronda booty gets more eyes den Hondas
My Eddo-says-he don't want none of those little buns, hun
You can go to Bens site if ya choken
And read about PP’s that are broken
But Eddo Advertising on Ass
So say that it lack da class
So they “X” out and leave it
While others stick around and read it
So Cosmo says you're fat
Well Eddo puts ads on that!
'Cause your waist is small and your curves are smokin!
JEs is googlin PP’s that are broken!!

MsThang said...
OMG SOS that was hilarious! Eddo have we determined if that is Steve? hahahhaha
3:30 PM

CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
You think you know my identity
I wear designer jeans that are so spendy
Eddo aint got enough loot
to pay for ads to put upon these glutes!
Other men just cant compare
or compete with my deriere
they can try and act tough or neato
kinda like Eddo in a speedo
but when it comes down to it they just cant hang
did i answer your question Ms Thang?


Eddo said...
O.M.W.!!!! That was too funny, let me try...

Captain sphincter your rhyme is broke
Like your flat buttocks it's such a joke
You only wish you had my rear
makes women grin from ear to ear
I'll put no buttvertising on your ass
When I saw your picture I said, "I'll Pass!"

CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
Eddo so large and juicey
never has da pants that are loosey
dont make me start my wrath
cause ads on your ass are paragraphs!
Please know that I am kiddin
but a grand is where they start the biddin
Cause ads on my ass are like Gold
now iM done with your site.. its old

Eddo said...
Captain SOS is all lotso talk
His butt so flat he can barely walk
His pants are baggin, his jeans is old
His mouth is full of Fool's Gold
He wishes that his butt was glitter
Cause then he wouldn't be so bitter
I told him he bes not step to this
Or his broke butt I'd have to dis
I feel bad for him cause my butt is bank,
And all the ladies told me - CAPTAIN SOS' BUTT IS STANK!!!

CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
As tears are streaming down my face
Theres a vision I just cant erase
Eddo shakin ass on the dance floor
with little girlies runnin to the door"
HIS ASS KNOCKED MY GIRLFRIEND TO THE GROUND!"
When he's by the speakers you cant hear no sound
God forbid you ever see that bare
like Chewbaka its got too much hair
The captains butt is smooth and pretty
makes the ladies all giddy
its cool just cut down on the lunches
"Bally Fitness" has aerobics and crunches


jes said...
oh what have i been missin'
eddo and captain are each dissin
'but-you-ain't-seen-nothin
unless-you've-glanced-at-my-muffin!
you can eat cookies and custard
but one look will leave you flustered,
cause nothing can come close
to the bootie that i boast
so you boys just need to jump back
my ass is whack
and you can't compare with that
you ready for an attack?
you oughta KNOW that i'm ready for combat!

CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
Jes I think your style is slippin
its diet Coke you outta be sippin
That ass you claim ta boast
girl you outta switch ta toast

Sorry I dont mean to be rude
but ya stepped to me and now you screwed
maybe you an eddo need combine yo powers
Like two big butt twin towers
I think Im done
fo' you grab yo gun
(Eddo still fills up showers)


jes said...
captain you're misinformed
tho i understand your body is deformed
what you've got in your trunkain't enough
to garner the worship of a chinese monk
i've developed somewhat of a following
sorry to leave you, i know you'll be wallowing
in your own misery once you see
that your words are nil to the highest degree
so get back to your sphincter
before it gets any pinker
cause i whoop ass whereever i go
and honey, you're about to have an electric glow.

And Eddo finishes with one more that is new to this post...

Captain SOS thought he brought it
But brotha nobody bought it...
We all know your butt is white
And my butt is DY-NO-MITE!

When people see your butt they scream
It's so pimply that it is obscene
Like a freakshow at the fair
Your butt's so ugly it's rare

On the front page of the Globe
Your butt they had to probe
Cause it must have came from outer space
and it looks just like your face!

But Eddo has buns of steel
No need for crunches or diet meals
All he needs is lots of protection
From the ladies that want his affection

So Captain SOS you need to bounce
Cause brotha you just got trounced
You thought you had Jes and I beat
But we don't even know how to spell defeeet.



8.22.2005

Rent-A-Butt!

I used to workout at 24 hour fitness in Plano. There was this extremely hot girl that would come in and workout at the same time I always came in and worked out. (I totally think she wanted me) Anyway, this particular hottie always wore Juicy Couture sweat suits when she worked out, and if you know about Juicy sweats then you know that they say "Juicy" on the buttocks region.

Obviously because of the way God created men my eyes are drawn to this area of a woman's body and due to several locker room discussions I know that it is a common area of interest among men. So without being Captain Obvious here, I would like to point out that a women's derrie aire is a natural billboard and I would like to start using them to advertise!

So ladies, if you would like to make some money on the side I would like to lease your booty. I would like to run ads for Blog Jacket and I will be willing to pay you one dollar for every day that you wear my Blog Jacket logo on your bottom. This new type of advertising will be referred to as Buttvertising and I expect it to be the next big thing... no pun intended.



8.21.2005

I'm am in Blog Heaven!!!

I got a new work laptop, it's a Dell D610. It has a huge computer screen, internal DVD, a larger keyboard and of course an internal wireless card!!!

The only thing that would make this computer any better would be if it had voice recognition software or even better- mind reading software... just think of the possibilities.



8.20.2005

Happy Birthday Dear.... Bria - Jeffffff!!!!




Last night we had a blogger game night at my house. Amstaff Mom and her husband Jeff came to the game night and it was really fun because she is the first person that I have ever met online that I have actually liked in person. She also did not come to my door with an AK-47 and a dozen roses like the last girl I dated from E-Harmony did. Thanks Amstaff Mom for leaving your weapons of mass destruction at home.

Something A.M. did bring was a surprise birthday cake for her husband Jeff. Jeff didn't talk much at the beginning of the evening which is understandable because KT and Jessica were there and when you get the two of them in a room, well, how do I put this nicely... it's like trying to talk over two people having a conversation through a drive-thru megaphone.

So Jeff wasn't talking much and then A.M. had this birthday cake for him and we started singing happy birthday and I said his name wrong really loud. I was all, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR BRIA..." and everyone else was saying "Jeff" and I felt like a big dumb animal. However, in my defense he is a white guy and I know a lot of white guys named Brian.

It actually ended up being a really good belly laugh for everyone and for the rest of the night we called Jeff - Brian.



8.19.2005

Playing Grabass

This week at the gym I had to reprimand The Russian for playing grabass at the gym. I was doing leg extensions pressing about 200 pounds 20 times and while I was working hard Maksim (The Russian) and Greggo (The Male Model) were horsing around. They were kicking each other and in the process they kicked me. When I finished my set I said, "Hey, stop playing grabass!"

It was really funny, Maksim looked at me quizzically and said, "I wasn't grabbing his ass!"

I let out a hearty chuckle and explained to Maksim that "Grabass" is really any type of playing around in the gym or the locker room. It is commonly used by coaches to tell the guys to stop fooling around. Maksim replied with an understanding, "Oh".

Now stop playing Grabass and leave me some comments!



8.16.2005

Don't Stop Believing

I figured out why my bandwidth was suddenly getting chewed up faster than a dog biscuit at a kennel...

For a long time in my music folder I had the full .mp3 of Don't Stop Believing by Journey. Some people who have My Space accounts were directly linking it to their sites so that when you opened up their blog the song would download from my site and start playing! The Horrors!

So I deleted the song.

Something else that is interesting about that song is its recent increase in popularity. When I was at iTunes earlier this week Don't Stop Believing by Journey was listed in the top 10 downloads. Why is it all of the sudden "All the rage"?

Not only was this song being linked to, but also my picture of Jenny Finch. I haven't removed her yet, but I guess I am going to have to.

I'll have a Geritol complete with a twist of lime please.

Recently I have noticed that I am acting like an old person. Because I have increased my workouts I find that I have more aches and pains than usual and so I have taken to coating myself from head-to-toe in Ben-Gay and then wrapping myself in a large white sheet to prevent the Ben-Gay from getting all over my furniture. I then lay prostrate on the floor and watch TV knowing that I probably look like a large joint or a Ben-Gay Burrito.

Instead of going clubbing on a Friday night I get dressed up to go to Walgreens or CVS/Pharmacy. I put on my best plaid shorts, a pair of dress shoes with black socks pulled up to my calves, and a button up shirt that I wear with only the last three buttons buttoned. Despite the late hour, I arrive at the drugstore with a bounce in my step because I have just taken some black market Celebrex.

While in the drugstore I peruse the aisles of cough syrup, antacid, laxatives and decongestants like a kid in a candy store. I load my basket to the brim with lotions and exfolliants, cucumber creams, and low-carb prunes and as I make my way to the register I always pick up a copy of readers digest and Globe.

Some other signs that I am living like an old person.


  • Instead of running I power walk - inside the mall.
  • This morning on the way to work I drove slow in the fast lane.
  • The entire time I was in the fast lane I left my blinker on.
  • At the Chick-Fil-A drive thru I called the guy that waited on me, "Sonny" and that wasn't his name.
  • I have asked people to start referring to me as Eddie-Bob
  • I drink my coffe black - and it's Folgers.
  • I watch the news and then tell my co-workers about how the world is coming to an end.
  • I start many conversations with "When I was a kid or Back in my day..."
  • My bathroom cabinet contains 3 types of muliti-vitamins, Centrum Complete, Glucosamine and Chondroitin.
  • I carry a pill box with me to work.
  • I make large pitchers of sun tea and then I sit on my porch and drink it out of a mason jar with lots of ice.
  • I will be turning 30 soon and on my wish list I have added a walker with tennis balls on the bottom so it will glide easier.

So if you see me out and about refer to me as Mr. Renz or Eddie Bob if you are over the age of 30 and be sure to stay clear of my walker.



8.15.2005

Thank God in Heaven!

Posted Note is back up! You don't even understand what this means, it means that I can start living again.

So many times I did something and I wanted to blog about it and I knew that I couldn't and I was spiraling into a deep depression. Just this morning I ran out of my Zoloft, my Paxil, and my Welbutrin due to the fact that I had to increase my dosage just to stay sane.

A quick movie review while I have you here...

GO SEE FOUR BROTHERS! Ladies, I don't know if you will like it because this is a guys movie through and through, but it blew me away. Lots of crass humor, but no nudity this action packed suspense drama will keep you engrossed from beginning to end. Mark Whalberg, Tyrese, and Andre Benjamin tore it up!

Alright, more funny posts later.



8.12.2005

The Gordito Bandito!

Anne Fitten from the ever-popular Edgy Mama very graciously sent me a shirt! She sent me the shirt as a "Thank You" for working on her website - http://www.annefittenglenn.com - which I expect everyone to go and visit daily, link to your own websites, and send out newsletters and emails letting everyone know who AF is and that she is a writer and that they need to buy her book!

The shirt is really cool and on the front it says, "Asheville - Where Normal is Weird". It is from the Ashevillethemovie.com and they are actually making a movie about Asheville. I love it!

However, I woke up this morning and it was gone! And then I saw GORDITO WEARING IT!!!

I caught him black-shirted...



Last seen early this morning near my cubicle at work, Gordito is still loose. If you see him, please send me an email right away.

Thanks AF for the shirt! You are super sweet!



8.11.2005

Crap! Or Get Off the Pot!

Note: This post has a few Spanish-ish words thrown in, please leave a comment if you need a translation.

Gordito awoke and weighed himself on the scalito only to find that he had gained 12 poundosas. He raced to the toilet and immediately stuck his finger down his throatino hoping to expunged the three bowls of Cocao Puffs, the two Twinkies, and the Breakfast Burrito he had just eaten.

Tears streamed down his face as he gagged repeatedly and unfortunately, he could not regurgitate the 9,000 calories worth of food he had just consumed.

He looked in the mirror at his sagging stomach and flabby chest and muttered to himself, "Gordito, you need to crap or get off the pot..."

For the last 8 months Gordito had been working out violently. He had slapped those weights into submission every week, he had punished his arms and his legs and he had bullyed the stair masterama by stomping on it relentlessly for hours at a time. The problem was not with Gordito's workout habits, but rather his eating habits. Every day his co-workers would invite him to lunch, on the weekends he would have game nights and pool parties, and if that weren't enough he would binge every now and then on Mrs. Fields cookies or Ben & Jerry's ice cream.

Silly Gordito, he was literally taking one step forward and two steps back - in Mexico they called this the Two-Stepperino.

So one night Gordito was sitting on the pot and he couldn't go to the bathroom and he thought to himself, "Dude, you really need to crap or get off the pot..." and that is when a little light came on in his head.

He got dressed and drove himself to Walmart in his Gorditomobile. Walmart always reminded him of a Carnival. Freakos to his left, freakas to his right, the customers looked large and some of them even gruesome in the dim parking lot light. Despite the gloomy exterior of Walmart, Gordito found himself craving a funnel cake and a corn dogolio.

As Gordito walked into the store he smiled at the greeter. Oompa-Loompa-ish the tiny greeter with pearl pink hair handed him a flyer. She smelled of a freshly smoked Marlboro and cheap perfume. Gordito gave her a quick, "How you doin?" wink. She smiled back at him showing a brilliantly white set of teeth and a mouth so wide and lips so red that Gordito was reminded of The Joker.

Moving to the Metamucil aisle Gordito tried to be incognito, however, apparently half of Planito is constapatito because there was a large number of people looking at the various laxatives.

Gordito noticed a chocolate colored boy with a spongy head of hair shaking a bottle of TUMS and yelling Candolo! Candolo! - Gordito let out a chuckle when he heard the boys mother reply, "Bambito, that is not Candy!".

Waiting patiently for the people to move Gordito thought how funny it was that the aisle that contained the constipation medicine was indeed constipated. He decided to get things moving again by hurriedly stepping in and grabbing his Metamucilo and then slipping past everyone like a large turd in a cramped colon.

Gordito was proud of himself for making a step in the right direction. He marched past the aisles of fattening food and purchased an armful of healthy items. Head held high he stood in line without fear of what others might think of the metamucilo. He just looked at them and thought, "All of you are full of crap!"

Gordito when home and took his Metamucilo. He read in his South Beach Dietini book that it really helps you lose weight and keeps you healthy.

So for now Gordito is still on the pot, but at least he is crapping!

Gordito sends his love - soon he might have to change his name to Flaco!

Know Consequences

If you go to http://www.knowconsequences.com you will see the original design that I threw together for this site. It was intended to merely be a placeholder until we got the graphics and data together for the actual site.

Months later when we got everything together the people I created the site for really liked this site design despite the fact that I really wanted to take it into a much different direction.

Keeping with the current theme and mixing in some new ideas I came up with this:

http://www.postednote.com/know.htm

I don't know if it is what they are looking for or not, but I find it hard to put my name on something unless I like it too and I am not real fond of the current design - it just doesn't have enough spunk.

Also, if I am supposed to be doing a template for you - email me a reminder as I have forgotten.

And... if I have done a template for you and you decide not to use it anymore, then please let me know so I can remove you from my portfolio list. It is really embarrassing when I tell someone hey, look what I did! and then it isn't what I did at all and I have to explain that maybe you got tired of my template and decided to change it.

Myabe later today I will post a poem by Tommy Nelson that is really cool or I will regale you with tales of my trip to Walmart to buy Metamucil.



8.10.2005

Feminine Deodorant

I just bought some new deodorant. I only by Ban and Degree. Ban has these new fragrances like Sweet Surrender and Summer Breeze. They sounded girly to me and so I looked at the Degree and I immediately grabbed and purchased "Fresh Oxygen".

Fresh Oxygen smells a lot like Tommy Girl. I kept thinking that I was smelling my co-worker and then later realized it's me! I SMELL LIKE A GIRL! :(

Well, it is better than what I smelled like yesterday when I ran out of deodorant and I was forced to use this cheap stuff that I bought one day on a whim. It makes you smell like masculine body odor.

A Reply to Elvin Rubins - The Spammer

Dearest Elvin,

I recently received your correspondence and with multiple manuals and lots of hours I was able to decipher the code. I do enjoy reading updates about weapons of mass destruction, the Taliban, where the real Holy Grail is actually being hidden or moved, and when Jesus Christ is going to return.

I am sure that other secret societies like the Mason's, Opus Dei, or the Illumanati are still using esoteric means to communicate their information. I can still remember when they were using the Pony Express when the rest of the world was using trains and the telegram! How ingenious of you to package your info in the form of spam.

In response to your most recent epistle, I will respond with a mass email. The body will contain promises of millions of dollars stuck in accounts in foreign lands and possibly new information about a plague that is sweeping the nation. Use page 101.3.4.5.6 of the E.N.C.R.Y.P.T.R. and cross reference with page 658.3 in the B.S.R.

In a couple of days time you will find my latest update concerning world peace, how the lottery is rigged, and where Osama Bin Laden is hiding.

I must again tell you how delighted I am by the effectiveness of our mass email campaign. Instead of hiding our communication, we give it to everyone in the world and they think it is junk - Brilliant!

Till we meet again at Ezekiels Clock!



8.09.2005

A Note of Caution

Sunday night I went to a friends house to see their new baby. Upon arrival some other friends came with us and a long time girl-friend said, "Eddie, does your truck really need these rain gaurds?"

She tapped on them and looked at me like my rain gaurds were a little cheesy.

A. The rain gaurds were specially coordinated with the interior of my truck and it came with them.

B. My truck is brand new to me and any negative comments are not allowed or tolerated.

Fortunately in times like this I carry a magical powder that will transport anyone who has just said a negative comment to me into the 5th dimension. I sprinkled it liberally over my friend and she disappeared and took her negative mouth with her. (I am still a little bitter?)

I don't think ladies realize the importance of a guy's car. Some of you may already realize this, but to a man a car is like a woman. We love it. We want to show it off and we take care of it. Any negative mention of our car or our woman is extremely offensive.

It doesn't matter to me that my friend didn't like the rain gaurds on my truck, big deal. It was the fact that she didn't realize that it just wasn't cool to say something negative about it. It was just uncouth.



8.08.2005

Kidney Failure or Dehydration?

This morning I awoke thirstier than a man eating a bag of saltines while running through the Sahara Desert. I pulled out this 52 ounce cup I got from Quick Trip and filled it up with ice water. Within 15 minutes I drank the whole glass and then refilled it and drank another over a 45 minute period here at work.

I then left for a meeting and during the entire hour long meeting I did not have to go to the bathroom.

Let me do the Math for you people. I have 104 ounces of water in my stomach and now that I am sitting here stuck on a call with a customer, my kidneys decide to kick in and I am about to EXPLODE!

The Downside to "The Upside"

I watched "The Upside of Anger" on Saturday. Kevin Costner and Joan Allen are cast well in this film. There are four daughters in the film that are pretty recognizable. Keri Russell from Felicity, Alicia Witt who I remember from a few episode's of HBO's Six Feet Under, and Erika Christensen who played a brilliant role in the movie Traffic and bears a striking resemblence to Julia Stiles. Evan Rachel Wood is the fourth and youngest daughter and it appears that she is no newbie to the big screen, but I don't recall seeing her in any of her previous films.

Joan Allen plays a bitter woman who believes she has been left by her husband. Kevin Costner comes along as the friendly neighbor to console her, but she is just unwilling to be consoled. She is bitter, and mean, and nasty, and at no point in the entire movie did I find myself feeling sorry for her. I actually felt like she probably deserved to be left by her husband. No one could possibly be that mean to their daughters just because their husband had left them. I would think it would be just the opposite, I would think a mother with 4 daughters would draw strength from her children in a time like that. Maybe I am wrong.

I cannot count the number of times while watching this movie that I wondered, "What just happened?" Scenes would begin and end and have no purpose at all whatsoever. At least 5 of the scenes were perfect for the "Deleted Scenes" reel because they just didn't fit.

The movie also missed multiple opportunities to be really wonderful. I kept hoping that someone would say something amazing that would help move the movie along and that it wouldn't all be just one big awfully depressing time. My hope was in vain.

The Downside to The Upside is that it never really flows well. There never really is an upside to anger. They try to make you think there is one, but there really isn't.

Don't go watch this movie unless you are depressed and you want something to push you deeper into a pit of despair.

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend.

I love you.



8.05.2005

It's the Thought that Counts!

Call me Martha Stewart!

A friend of mine had a birthday today at work and so I wanted to bake her a cake. Normally when I am in the kitchen it will appear as though I have magical powers. I literally float about the kitchen 2 to 3 inches off of the ground spinning and twirling, slicing and dicing, and making Emeril look like an uncoordinated baffoon.

Enter the round cake.

I never make round cakes and last night I thought round would be a nice option. I pulled out my two cake pans, greased them generously with Pam (the spray, not my next door neighbor even though she is pretty greasy!), preheated the oven, whipped up my mix, poured said mix into the pans and popped them into the oven. The box stated to bake at 350 degrees for 33 to 38 minutes. After approximately 17 minutes my nose started to smell something burning. I raced to the oven to find that my cakes were indeed starting to burn. How pray tell was this possible?

1. I never over bake anything
2. I followed the instructions
3. Did I mention that I am like a wizard in the kitchen?

I removed the pans from the oven and dumped the cakes out of their pans quickly so they wouldn't continue to cook anymore. The edges were indeed slightly overcooked but the entire cake wasn't a loss so I let the cakes cool while I consumed a Starbucks Orange Mocha Frappacino and the extra pint of caramel frosting I bought for the cake.

Apparently I'm no Martha After All...

Icing the cakes once cooled proved to be much more complicated than I thought possible. The center of both cakes had risen way above the edges and therefore I couldn't cut the top of the cakes off to make them nice and flat and so I just stacked them on top of each other thinking that I could just fill in the gaps with icing. People - this tactic just doesn't work. Long story a little less long - the cake ended up looking like some sort of genetically mutated mass of caramel and chocolate. Lopside, over-frosted, sides gaping, Eddo's round cake debut was quite the debacle.

When I arrived at work with the cake people shrieked and ran away in fear. You would have thought that I was wearing a large yellow decontamination suit carrying an enormous petri dish with the words "Ebola Virus" stamped on the side.

I gave the cake to my friend Sandy and she just looked at it like "Am I being punished for something?" That is when I yelled out, "Happy Birthday!" with my best smile. She forced a smile on her face and I nervously said, "Apparenlty round cakes aren't my thing", she laughed and replied, "You are right about that!" And then she let out a wicked little cackle that resonated with fear and subtle note of desperation.

But you know what they say about gifts, it's the thought that counts.



8.04.2005

Missing: Will Power

Eddie Renz reported his Will Power missing early Tuesday morning after he entered the Starbucks on the corner of Parker and Alma in Plano. Last seen on Monday August 1st, Will Power has been missing now for over 72 hours.




"Vanished!" Is the word Mr. Renz used when questioned by other Starbucks customers and employees. "I was trying to decide if I should get the chocolote chip scone or the bran muffin and all of the sudden I noticed that my Will Power was gone! Vanished! I bought the Chocolate Chip scone and I haven't seen Will Power since!"

Investigators say that this sort of thing happens all the time. Just last week a woman reported losing her Will Power at a local Krispy Kreme and well known journalist and qausi-famous internet personality Elaine Liner reported losing her Will Power at a Marble Slab on lower Greenville.

"It is a terrible thing that happens to everyone every now and then" Jessica Ferris of Just Say Jes! said when questioned about such incidents. "It happens so suddenly you just don't know what to do, you get broadsided by a plate of cookies in a co-workers office, or your husband suddenly decides to take you to dinner at The Melting Pot and your Will Power just disappears!"

As for now, Mr. Renz has decided to console his loss with a bowl of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia and a half-dozen flautas from Panchos.



8.03.2005

1 in 5 Has Herpes?

Disclaimer: This post is not meant to judge, point fingers, or humilate. It's intention is only to educate. At Posted Note our love is unconditional and we love you with or without sexually transmitted diseases.

Last night while watching reality tv and icing my elbows I decided to peruse a copy of "Details" magazine that had come to me by way of a free subscription. "Details" is similar to GQ in that it is a men's fashion magazine that deals with issues such as, "Why you are better off if your boss is a tyrant", "Is your new baby making you gay?", "Can the average guy wear diamonds", and "How pot went gourmet" - as you can see this magazine is marketed to engineers and rocket scientists.

I was flipping through the fluff when an article caught my eye. It was titled, "1 in 5 Has Herpes". Last time I checked the population of America was 296,660,730. That means that 60 million Americans are walking around with herpes. As I read the article some things popped out at me and so I decided to quote them here not for shock value but for educational purposes. In my 29 years no one has really ever described to me what genital herpes looked like or felt like and really I had no idea how what all it entailed.

This is an excerpt from page 69 of the August issue of Details,

"By the next morning, however, it felt like my [privates] had been dipped in kerosene and set on fire. In the bathroom I discovered several bubbling, crusting sores on my penis. "


The article goes into more detail about the problems with the herpes, but I had already read enough to know that this was not a pleasant disease.

I continued to read the article and was shocked to read this:

"Thankfully, if you have the H-bomb in your pants, there's no shortage of fellow sufferers willing to help you cope- or even copulate, if you'd like. From Istanbul to Bakersfield, millions of infectees are out of the closet and looking to party - through online dating services and support groups called H clubs, which arrange matches, set up cruises, or simply let memebers vent...

...The uprising of the once shunned Herpes Nation is admireable for its attempt to destigmatize the virus. But it's also kind of cynical triumph for Valtrex and its maker, GlaxoSmithKline... The message, according to health experts and commentators, is not just I'm okay, your okay. It's If I have it, it's no big deal if you get it too. 'I think the Herpes stigma is gone, ' says Adam Corolla, cohost of the syndicated radio call-in show Loveline. 'The commercials where the chicks are wakeboarding and kickboxing don't hurt herpes either. If you don't know what the commercials are for, you'd be like, 'Sign me up for this Shit'."


I read this and I read it again and thought, "Are these guys taking drugs?" Apparently, yes, they are taking Valtrex every day for the rest of their lives to combat a very painful disease. What is worse is that they are making light of a very serious condition.

If you read Posted Note often then you know that I only occasionally jump up on my soap box. Most of what I post here is intended to be funny and entertaining, but when I read this I couldn't help but feel sick to my stomach.

America has become such a backward society. The only time you are supposed to worry about the consequences is when you are in the fast food line. When it comes to sex, any type of sex, then you should be allowed to enjoy it consequences be damned. If you get pregnant, it is okay, just have an abortion. If you get a horrific disease, no problem, we have a 60 million others who will sympathize with you.

I don't want sympathy. I don't want people to put a happy face on my problems, I want to be informed and I want to know the consequences.



8.02.2005

Free Pass Please!

I have been a mentor now for the past 8 years. I worked at Denton Bible Church as a high school leader for 6 years and then finally quit after I realized I had started to grow out of it.

I loved being a leader. I loved working with kids and the relationships that I have with the guys that I mentored have been very rewarding and they still exist to some degree today.

I don't consider myself much of a leader/mentor anymore but more of a big brother that is there when I am needed.

One of the guys that I mentored recently got married and when it was time for him to get married I didn't tell him it was too soon(he had just turned 21), rather, I asked him a series of important questions and he gave me all the right answers. I gave him my blessing so-to-speak and now that he is married I am extremely impressed with how well he has acclamated to marriage and how mature and responsible he has become.

Sometimes my guys do not make wise decisions. One time one of my guys(We'll call him Bill) borrowed money from his girlfriends dad and then he told his girlfriends dad that he put the money back into the bank and he didn't. Later his girlfriends dad had all these checks bouncing and the situation really got out of hand and the girlfriends dad ended up pulling a knife on "Bill". The problem escalated because at the time "Bill" was living with his girlfriend at her dad's place and so suddenly he was left out on the street with nowhere to go. I had to drive 2 hours to pick him up and we had a long talk and I told him a few things:

1. He was stupid
2. He needed to take responsibility for his actions sooner or later
3. We all make stupid mistakes (he just seemed to make them all the time)

Bill now has his own place. He is no longer with that girlfriend and I have seen a lot of improvement in him over the past few months.

The thing is you reach a certain age that when you make mistakes you know that you made them and you don't need anyone to tell you that you have done something wrong. If every time they messed up I came down on them they would get tired of me always being "on" them.

As a mentor/leader/big brother I have to pick my battles with these kids and try to guide them down the right path without doing the driving for them.

Recently a couple of my guys went off and got into a sticky situation and when it was all said and done it was pretty harmless. Someone asked me, "Did you get on to them?" and I responded, "Nope". I think that everyone deserves at least one free pass. They get into trouble, you help them get through it, and hopefully they learn from it. However, if the behavior persists, then you step in and use whatever means necessary, (Kung Fu, Dynamite, Hypnosis) to get them from repeating this bad behavior.

If you have never been a mentor, or done any volunteer work like Habitat for Humanity or Big Brothers and Sisters, I suggest doing it. In the end I found that I was the one that learned/benefitted the most from the relationship.

I love you all.



8.01.2005

Just Say Jes!

The results are in and Jessica of Just Say Jes is the 1st Place winner of the "Map Quest" Contest! $50 Best Buy gift card winner!

Second place goes to KT of K-Pinion 25 dollar gift card to Starbucks or Best Buy.

Third Place goes to Amstaff Mom 10 dollar gift card to Starbucks or Bath and Body Works.

To answer Theresa's question - Yes - I will do this again in the future.

Jes' answers are so great that I have to put them here in this post. Awesome Job Jessica!

To see the first map and the map before the map caught on fire click on these pics:









jes said...

6/23/2005: Started

06/24/2005: Added Kanakuk K-7 & teepees. A beige border has appeared on the south side, and a small dust storm has attacked the black border to the west, about ˝" below the top border.

6/27/2005: Added Big Foot Park with large foot print as well as animal footprints between "Posted" and "Note", deleted the person walking along Crazy Deer Pass

6/28/2005: Trampled Man Gorge appeared, along with a trampled man laying along the path. ALSO, for good measure, a tiny black dot in the lower left corner between the tree and bush randomly appeared.

7/1/2005: Eddo, you've been at work! The tiny black dot in the lower left corner is gone, as well as the small bush (or was that a fire?) that was southeast of the dot. Also, thirteen pine trees appeared! What growth! A rabbit sits above the animal tracks, a Marijauna Farm has been planted, and to the east, a Gold Mine! I'm not sure yet what it is, but there's some alien-like creature (or maybe a small snake and a rock) near the Blog Cabin. Get it out of there! Yucky aliens and snakes. Blech.

7/6/2005: Oh, how the scenery is changing. 10 changes! 1) the border is smaller. You must have cropped it. It is all black, with no beige exterior lines. Nice. 2) Two eagles have flown in to the southwest corner (they flew southwest, like the airline!), and Posted Note found it necessary to establish the Eagles Nest Park in their honor for their stay. I wish that every park I visited established a memorial in honor of ME. ;) 3) the Trampled Man Gorge disappeared, though the trampled man is still there! The gorge was replaced by Missing in Minnestota, complete with –ha! – a maple leaf, like the one on the CANADIAN flag! Ahahaahahaahahaahaaa!!!! 4) Oh, no! The rabbit above the animal tracks ran away! 5) A Bike Trail and 2 bicycles appeared in the upper right corner. 6) The tree to the left of Blog Cabin was replaced by a pine tree. 7) Blog Cabin was demolished, and Moose Lodge built on the same grounds. 8) Two pines grew overnight to the east of the Moose Lodge. 9) The deer, frightened by all the new construction, ran away. 10) However, a moose has meandered to the front of the Moose Lodge. How appropriate!

07/08/2005: MiM is gone, and you changed the map! How snarky of you! I like counting the changes with numbers, so I will from now on: 1) Storm Mountain was added to the northeast, along Crazy Deer Pass. 2) The couple walking along the pass were confused by the new terrain, apparently entering it without a GPS. They're lost, dude. 3) This is interesting. All major black areas (Storm Mtn, Snake Lake, the bear, the teepees, and some of the tree trunks) have been antiqued/weathered. I'll tell you what: that storm mountain sure is wreaking havoc. 4) Is it possible? The east and west borders are now even narrower!

7/12/2005: Storm Mountain! It's a'brewin! A lightening bolt has struck, and its mark next to the signage. When the lightening struck, it also burned down the gold mine, which no longer appears on the map. And, there must have been heavy rains, because a small pool ("Devil's Pool") has formed east of Snake Lake. Watch out – snakes and devils are a BAD combo, even at the Posted Note Resort and Spa. Hey, will you be offering massage services soon? With all this hiking and hunting, I could use one!

7/20/2005: Did it rain? Purple? Purple Rain? Like, that movie with Oprah? ;) Apparently so, because a new creek has formed: King's Crossing. Or maybe that's a road? Whatever it is, it is new – a jagged little line just east of the title of the map. And with the symbolic crown! Purple, of course. The rain didn't just turn the crown purple – it affected other areas too: the deer near Missing in Minnesota, but not their antlers; the teepees over by Kanakuk; the body of water at Snake Lake; the body of the bear at Bear River; Storm Mountain; the moose, but again not the antlers, near Moose Lodge, and even the cross-mark of the North-South-East-West-thing. I'm sure I learned the name for that object in 9th grade Geography. But that was, like, too many years ago and do you REALLY expect me to remember?!?

07/21/2005: Oh, The Color Purple. It is gone. As well as King's Crossing. Perhaps it WAS rain, afterall, and now everything has dried up with this 100+ degree weather we're having. All's black and back to normal.

07/24/2005: Forestry! Since there were so many changes, let me be very straightforward:
Removed: 1) three deer and the trampled man; 2) Missing in Minnesota and the appropriate Canadian maple leaf; 3) Kanakuk K-7; 4) two teepees; 5) Eagles Nest Park; 6) two flying birds; 7) Crazy Deer Pass; 8) the animal tracks between “Posted” and “Note”, although there is still one track left between the two pine trees directly above this space; 9) Marijuana Farm (darn!); 10) Storm Mountain, and its lightening; 11) Bike Trail; 12) Compass (I finally figure out the name for this contraption!); 13) Big Foot Park. Added: 1) Trees (48 pines); 2) different style of compass; 3) Mystery Marsh

07/28/2005: Wow – the rains a week ago really did this map wonders! So many new trees – 26 new pines all over the map! Great growth! The Posted Note Lodge must really be feeling the benefits of the growing forest, because there is a new floral/scripty logo added beneath the “Resort & Spa.” AND, as if THAT weren’t enough, the Posted Note paid to have the Snake Lake filled in with dirt, where new trees are now found. Good for you, Posted Note!

07/29/2005: Holy Smokes! Eddo, only YOU can prevent forest fires! The map! It is ON FIRE! Strangely, its new shape resembles a buffalo. A male buffalo. Multiple pillars of smoke are rising from the ashes at the bottom of the map. The “Established” date is barely legible, and the compass has been completely wiped out. The bear at Bear’s River and the moose at Moose Lodge were either charred or feasted upon, or else they fled the forest at the sight and scent of the oncoming fires. I wonder…was this arson?

12:01 AM