Part 1 in a short story series:PrologueThe blazing fire scorched Samantha’s skin, but she did not stop. She didn’t dare stop. With frenzied hands she cast every book she owned into the infernal blaze. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, The Chronicles of Narnia, her entire collection of Jane Austen and Edgar Allen Poe, even The Grinch glowed brilliantly red and gold in the wickedly hot blaze.
Beads of perspiration collected on her forehead and stung her shallow wounds. Her fair skin, once lovely and porcelain, was now a marred mask of red welts and scrapes – souvenirs from her most recent trip down Crazy Lane...
Chapter 1Friday had started like any other day; a tall upside-down caramel macchiato from Starbucks, a cinnamon scone, and thirty minutes of reading. This particular morning she was reading Meredith’s Regret by Genevieve Davies. She had found it at Second-Hand Harry's shoved between a copy of
Run’s With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs and
A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. Second-Hand-Harry's lacked organization, but made up for it with the most intriguing eclectic selection.
Meredith’s Regret was a large voluminous hardback boasting at least 900 pages. Purple and blue swirls decorated the cover and the title was embossed in a metallic gold. It caught Samantha's eye immediately. The orange circle price tag had .99 scrawled on it in blue ink.
What a steal, Samantha thought, and then she purchased it without hesitation.
***
Plain as vanilla ice cream, people hardly noticed Samantha. Hair the color of peaches, it would have been pretty if it hadn’t been so coarse. It hung straight down on the sides of her head like straw in a broom. Her face was plain, her glasses were thick, and the only thing special about her was her skin. It was clear, fine pores, creamy smooth – unfortunately it was wasted on such a bland face whose only outstanding feature was a bird-like nose.
Part 1 1/2Friday moved along at the pace of a sloth on Ambien, Samantha longed to be free from the prison of her cubicle so that she could escape to be with her favorite companion – a book. Her books rarely let her down, and they never required long-term commitment. They didn’t cheat on you, or stand you up, and they never made fun of you. A book could be your best friend, your lover, a teacher, a priest. This weekend she planned to spend the entire weekend poring through Meredith’s Regret and losing herself in a world so much different than her own.
When she arrived home that evening she quickly made a pitcher of mango green tea and picked up a box of buttery Girl Scout cookies. She opened the patio door and sat in her favorite green chair and began to read.
Meredith's Regret - Chapter 1Meredith was cold - cold on this inside and out. Her life had not been filled with years of marital bliss and love, but with abuse and hate. As a little girl she had dreamed of being a nurse and eventually a mother, she had reached both of those goals, but as the Bible says, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away" and take he did. Samantha continued to read enthralled by the horrific tale of Meredith. A tale of suffering that started with the loss of her children to beatings from a jealous husband. Once a pretty girl, Meredith's ugliness on the inside had transformed her on the outside. Her hatred for herself had become so great that it manifested into a form of evil and that evil gave Meredith a supernatural power.
Putting the book down for a moment Samantha felt an uneasiness starting to build within her. She got up and made sure that the door was locked. The patio door was still open and despite the warm breeze that was coming in, Samantha was cold. She slipped into a sweater and pulled an afghan around her legs. She hugged herslef for a moment and let her mind wander about Meredith. Without realizing it she found herself nibbling on a butter cookie. Then she felt something tickling her hand and when she looked at the cookie again it started to crumble into tiny little pieces and each piece started turning black. Immediately she threw the cookie onto the floor and started spitting out what was left in her mouth. She wretched violently and wiped her mouth with the back of her sleeve. Standing now she watched as the black spots that had once been a cookie started to move. Like tiny little ants the pieces started to take shape.
Frightened and fascinated Samantha could not believe her eyes. A million thoughts ran through her mind: call for help, get the Dirt Devil, scream, run - she acted on none of them.
As she watched, the small black ant-sized creatures grew - and grew quickly. Still small, about the size of an egg now, the little black orbs suddenly sprouted wings and the wings began to flap. This time, Samantha did act. She ran. She screamed. It was too late.
Part 2 - READ!Samantha stretched out her hand to pick up her cell phone, but before she could grab it a slippery black creature scampered past and with a wicked laugh ran off with it out of site. She whirled around looking to see where it went and what she saw made her gasp with horror. There in her living room were approximately 30 small creatures. Their skin was oily black and smooth and even glistened as if it was wet. Large eyes greeted her, looking at her with a mixture of affection and something else... Hunger?
About a foot tall, the beings appeared to be almost cute to Samantha. She was reminded of the creatures in Gremlins, but these little guys were much rounder with chubby legs and round Buddha like bellies.
Samantha continuted to stare at them not know what to do. They stood there almost expectantly, as if they were waiting for something. Her heart was pounding and she was visibly shaking, but at the same time she was fascinated. Finally, a bit of excitement in her life - and this time it wasn't in a book, but it was actually happening.
She looked at the creatures and smiled and then tried to communicate with them. She waved timidly and said "Hi, I'm Samantha!" Feeling a little stupid she was surprised when one of them opened it's large mouth and smiled back and said "Read". It had a raspy voice and brilliantly white razor sharp teeth and upon seeing those teeth Samantha screamed and ran for the door.
The darkness appeared like a cloud around the door. The winged creatures clamored together, their large eyes looking at Samantha curiously. Then she felt something pull on her skirt. She let out a startled gasp when she saw one of the chubby little creatures holding her book - Meredith's Regret. With expectant eyes and a scratchy voice it repeated the only word it seemed to know, "Read".
Samantha reached out slowly and took the book. The small creature smiled and then eagerly clapped it's small hands and said "Read". It was then that Samantha noticed the claws. Metallic looking points almost like cat claws extended from the wicked little hands.
As she opened the pages to the book she noticed all of the little black things settling around her like small children waiting to be told a fairy tale. In unison, all of them, with a voice that had been conjured in the darkest recesses of hell, began to murmur - "Read, Read, Read". Their chorus started out slowly, an almost pleading cry. The cry quickly changed and Samantha noticed a hint of frustration and in seconds their tone turned to a demand. "READ! READ! REEEEEEEEAAAAADDDD!!!" The whites of their eyes turned to a dark red. Their little faces began to tremble as if they were about to have an epeleptic seizure and without further hesitation Samantha obeyed and began to read.
Part 3The menacing ululation subsided upon the first syllable Samantha uttered. The whites of their eyes turned white, their faces turned almost cherubic and they settled down like a sated crack addict after receiving a much needed fix.
Samantha read quickly page after page and noticed the little black creatures starting to settle down as if they were about to fall asleep. Samantha found hope in this and almost began to find a bit of joy in having someone - some
thing to read to, but her hopes were quickly dashed as she read what was happening to Meredith...
Meredith rocked in her chair on her front porch. Her mind drew pictures of wicked things and those things brought a cruel smile to her face. The readers would need to be punished. That was the solution. Her husband had been an avid reader always choosing to spend his time with a book instead of with her. Once he had even thrown a book at her and broke her nose. Yes, that was it, she set to work on a plan...
Double Double toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble...
Samantha began to grow tired of reading. Her voice was hoarse and so she paused for just a moment to take a sip of her tea. She paused and looked at it making sure that it hadn't suddenly transformed into something evil the way the cookies had. Other than the fact that the ice had mostly melted, it still looked like tea. She sipped a cool sip and then suddenly the glass was slapped out of her hand. Tea went flying across the room and her glass broke up against the brick fire place. A couple of the creatures flew about and one of them stood on the arm of her chair, reached out and held her face gently in both of it's tiny little hands and with a command that probably sounded similar to the way a command was given to an unworthy slave - the little demon said, "Read".
Samantha's lip quivered and she choked back a sob. Her mind reeled about looking for some way of escape, she thought of none and so she continued to read.
***
After reading for eight hours straight Samantha didn't know if she could take it anymore. Her throat ached and she needed to go to the bathroom. She was tired and soon found herself fighting back the urge to just close her eyes and fall asleep. Every time she paused for just a moment the oily black things awoke quickly and forced her to read. Sometimes they would hold the book close to her face, one even climbed upon her head and peeled back her eyelids momentarily until she continued to read. It seemed that when she stopped reading the creatures were in intense pain.
As she read she continued to think of a way of escape and then realized that she was nearing the end of the book. Maybe there was a conclusion to this horrific tale, but what she had read from Meredith didn't allow her to hope too much. It seemed that Meredith had a plan, and that plan ended in death.
***
Tears flowed from Samantha's eyes when she read Meredith's plan. There reading could not cease. An incantation read...
Demon creatures oily black
Come out, out, and attack
The reader who reads incessantly
Make them read and make them bleed
Don't let them stop
Don't let them pause
If they do scratch them
With your claws.
Make them hate their favorite thing
Make them hate - HATE TO READ!!
The book ended and another book was forced into Samantha's hands. She pushed the book away and one of the small creatures slapped her hard in the face. The blow knocked her out of her chair. Before she could recover she felt herself being lifted and above the drone of their beat wings, the creatures shouted
"READ, READ, READ!!!!"
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban felt like lead in Samantha's hands. She started to read it, and then another, this went on for hours and by now it was nearing midnight on Sunday night. She had finally gone to the bathroom in her pants since she couldn't hold it any longer. Her lips were dry and her throat was so hoarse that she didn't even recognize her own voice. She hadn't slept in nearly 72 hours.
Finally she decided to give in.
No one was going to come to her rescue. She had no friends and her co-workers would just assume that she was sick. They would never come and check on her.
She stopped reading. She couldn't stand it any longer. One of the little creatures got up and started flying at her hard and she held the large book like a baseball bat and hit is hard hurling the little beast across the room. She made a charge for the door but felt a sudden thud against her back that it felt like a grown man had been pushed against her. She fell to the floor, but didn't hesitate, she didn't pause, she didn't wait for them to cover her - no she decided if she was going down, she was going down with a fight.
She jumped up quickly and lashed out with her fists connecting with 2 demons flying around her. They screamed and whirled and continued to chant, but she wasn't going to go down easy. She suddenly felt the most intense pain in her calf and when she looked back one of them was biting into her flesh, it's wickedly sharp teeth easily cutting into the soft flesh. The pain continued to ignite a fire already burning within her. She kicked at the little creatures and decided she needed a weapon. She ran into the kitchen and grabbed for a knife but it was quickly slapped out of her hand. The creatures were lightning fast and they didn't seem to want to hurt as much as they wanted her to sit back down and read. She noticed something different about them. They continued to chat, but each one of them held a book tightly in it's grip. On the counter she had a lighter and on the back porch she knew she had some lighter fluid. She picked up a pan from the stove and started hitting the demons as they attacked her. The action reminded her of a game she loved as a kid - Whack-A-Mole.
Her arms ached and her clothes were ripped to shreds but she managed to make it out of the house and she slammed the door before any of the creatures could escape. She quickly grabbed the lighter fluid and then lit the house on fire. She could hear the demons their shrill cries unlike anything she had ever heard. Their fever pitch was so intense you would have thought that they were already burning. She started to run and leave them to burn in the house hoping that they would die, but just as she thought, that would be way to easy. Suddenly a book flew out of the window. It was hurled with such force that if it had hit her it probably would have broken a bone or at the very least knocked her down. More books came. Every book she owned came spewing forth from the windows of the house. It was as if the house had suddenly gotten sick from consuming too much bad literature and suddenly it was projectile vomiting from every orifice.
Her small house was two story and it had been inherited from her grandmother. Unfortunately, her grandmother preferred solitude and country life - which meant there was no place to run and no one to call to for help.
This would be settled here, tonight, end game, finis, finale, whatever you wanted to call it, it was about to be over. She picked up the books one at a time and through them back at the house. She watched them burn, all of her favorites, but she didn't care, she didn't think she would ever want to read again.
The house groaned as if it could feel itself burning and dying. The orange flames were hot and hungry and continued to devour every available morsel.
Where are the creatures? Samantha thought. She could no longer hear their cries, maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all. Maybe it was finally over... and then she saw it. There in the middle of the house something large and dark. If she had to describe it she would have said that it looked like a giant burnt Pillsbury Doughboy with black wings and pointed teeth. It stood their in the middle of the blaze morphing into something unholy.
Samantha continued to toss the books into the fire. She wanted to stoke the blaze with anything and everything - whatever it took to burn this thing alive.
The creature moved toward her. It's voice was no longer shrill and childlike, but deep and booming. It let out a bellowing sound that wasn't unlike a foghorn. A fould stench enveloped Samantha and she fell back onto something hard. She reached behind her and found that it was a small Bible. One she had as a child, but one that she had thought she had lost. She held the Bible closely to her chest as it was the only thing she had for protection. The monstrous black creature walked out of the burning house towering above Samantha. Again it repeated it's one and only command. "REEEEEEAAAAAAADDDDDD!!!!"
All of the other books were gone, she only had this one left. She opened the book and found a passage that had been taught to her as a little girl, one she still remembered by heart.
"Yeah though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..." She could barely talk, her voice was barely a whisper, but she continued... "for thou are with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me"
The creature was standing over her close now. Samantha didn't dare look up. She was afraid, but she wasn't shaking and suddenly she felt calm. And then the large black hand scooped her up and stuffed her into it's mouth.
The pain was intense, so intense that Samantha thought that this must be what it felt like to die. This was the end. There wasn't a bright light at the end of the tunnel, only blackness, only filth, only bile. She held on to the small Bible, she clutched it tightly somehow taking a modicum of strength in knowing that it was there. She finally gave in to the pain and let herself go. She gave up, she was ready to die.
Samantha opened her eyes. She couldn't believe it, she was alive. She looked around hoping that what she had gone through had been a bad dream, but it wasn't. Her skin was covered in a oily substance that smelled of sulfur and charred flesh. The house was in ashes behind her and in her hands she still held on to the Bible. As she looked at the Bible she laughed as she thought to herself, "thou anointest my head with oil" - apparently God was being very literal this time.
EpilogueSamantha hugged her husband tightly. Her dark hair flowed around her shoulders and she still couldn't believe how much her life had changed 2 year ago on one dark and wicked night. After taking a bath and washing away the oil and dirt she was no longer herself. She had become something new. No, she wasn't beautiful, but she was different, she was changed on the inside and on the out. She stopped reading - everything except for the Bible - and she stopped living in a fantasy world and started enjoying reality. 1 husband and 3 kids later she realized that she had learned a lot from Meredith's Regret, and she didn't plan on having any of her own.
139 Comments:
Katie said...
A day later and it is still so funny that I have to close my door so I don't interupt classes.
Ben said...
I am a white guy born in Colorado
Now I live in Minnesota don't cha know
That's my week attempt at rapping..
I can't rap so I won't try...
I can't shake my "Monkey" Maker either.
Eddo said...
Ben, you need to learn how to rap and then maybe you will be able to shake your "Monkey" maker!!
captain S.o.S. said...
Eddo that took you ALL NIGHT sooo sad
Yo my ass broke up Jen and Brad
Angelina thanks me all the time
by rubbin my steele behind
yo... I dont mind
N
B
C wants to give me my own show
trottin my ass all around the globe
see my butt has its own camera crew
while there is doors yours still cant fit through
I know you just want ass like the cap'n
without lunges that just aint gonna happen
I had yesterday in da bag
the phones ringin?
yo its Jenny Craig
Joe & Julie said...
LOL- the Captain said "without lunges that just ain't gonna happen" lol Man that is so crazy. Well Eddo don't let them tell you anything is wrong with your booty! Shake what yo mamma gave ya! :)
jes said...
hahaha. omigosh, i just can't even start this up again. i won't get any work done!
Ben said...
Yeah eddo... shake your Monkey Maker.
Katie said...
Go Eddie, Go Eddie . . . .
steve said...
This post has been removed by the author.
Eddo said...
Go Eddie, It's your birthday, not really.. Shake it anyway!!
Sha, Sha booya, Sha,Sha Shabooya Roll Call.
My name is Eddie (Yeah)
I shake my Monkey Maker(Yeah)
Start Cheerin (Yeah)
Don't be a Hater (Yeah)
Sha, Sha booya, Sha,Sha Shabooya Roll Call... who's next?
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
Katie you open yo mouth??
yo Whitey what dat all about
Im the one wit triumphant rump
that gets more rent den Donald Trump
My haunches border on the obscene
girl go read your Tiger Beat magazine
Dis between me and Jabba da Butt
my lightnin wit you just cant shut up
"Jabba da Butt"? that made ME laugh
So much I have a heart attack
Eddo said...
Darn-it! I just saw Captain SOS's reply... I am about to slay him with some of my street verbage.
Cookie723 said...
Someone go rescue Capt!! He's had a heart attack!
Well, so have I after another round of these hilarious raps...I don't know about anyone else but is anyone else actually reading, excuse me, RAPPING these aloud? I am, hence the tears from laughter.
Eddo said...
Captain SOS? More like Captain Crunch
When you start dissin' Eddo
You better pack a lunch
Cause it's gonna be a really long day
Better ask your mommy if you can go out and play
Yo stories are cheap and so are your tricks
When it comes to my body
I'm stacked like bricks
Banging booty, abs and chest
In this competition I am the best
NBC has sold you out
That show is a joke
Like your butt - No Doubt
So take your butt and your camera crew
Cause Captain Crunch I am through with you.
Cookie723 said...
Oh please, Ed, continue on with the 'street verbage'-nice.
Katie said...
Eddie I can picture you chanting Roll Call - LOVE IT
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
fanny, butt, ass, derriere
rump, seat , rear, posterier
double bubble, cheeks, da big butter
yeah I even call it my turd cutter
mexican trash compactor
Im the Butt X-Factor
Eddo you just so whack
heres a dingleberry from my crack
Eddo said...
"Im the one wit triumphant rump
that gets more rent den Donald Trump
My haunches border on the obscene
girl go read your Tiger Beat magazine"
Man, that one kills... KILLZZZZZZ!!!
Katie said...
Mexican trash compactor
Im the Butt X-Factor
OH MY WORD.
Eddo said...
SOS, You speak the truth
Yo dirty butt is hanging loose
You need to wash it along with yo mouth
Cause brotha it be stinkin up Eddo's house
Cracker, Lacker, Slacker, Wack
SOS you have been smoking crack
Dingleberry? SOS please!
My rhymes got you beggin
On your knees.
You wish I'd stop, but I keep bringin the cheddar
Yo rhymes is good
My mines is betta!
Heather said...
Holy Moly Mackeroly. It's a good thing I work at home 'cause I am howling with laughter. You guys are killing me.
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
Cheddar,swiss,gouda and havarti
I am the life of this party
I put the "SHOW" in da "Biz"
I am the Brie and you da cheese whiz
You be Processed and I am Fresh
Bustin you like Elliot Ness
Word
Cookie723 said...
Ok...now I need to know what Capt does that he can spend all his time arappin????? Maybe you guys could take it on the road - instead of 50cent and Eminem it could be Captain & Tenil...opps I mean, Eddo ;) Or instead of the 'Anger Management Tour' it could be 'Butt Behavior Tour'...
Eddo said...
SOS you are the cheese
You constipate even Hercules
Party Pooper is your real name
You've got no style, you have no game
You need to realize what you are up against
This ain't no joke, I came to reprezent!
I am tired of you, you big Chester Cheetah
Take yourself home and don't forget your Velveeta...
Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' bout!
steve said...
This post has been removed by the author.
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
got so much junk in my trunk
all the black girls scream
"LOOK AT DAT BADOOKADUNK!!"
Eddo jes think he be neat
trying ta talk like he from da street
But I be the dude so pretty
Got more street then a city
Eddo just look what you started
Man you be so Gaytarded
Ben said...
Gaytarded. LOL.
You guys are too funny.
MsThang said...
OMW SOS gaytarded.. I am loving this exchange of rapping wit! I would join but I am as bad as Ben lol.
MsThang said...
and that's funny that Ben posted around the same time as me..
Eddo said...
Sticks and Stones and Made up words
SOS you is a giant turd
No black girls be hollerin at you
You dreamin boy, you dumb o'l fool
Ladies love me, Their mommas too
So don't hate on me or they'll hate on you
You've got no street, you've got no road
You've got no princess you big ol' toad
You aint so pretty, you ain't so sharp
Moses should have left you back on the Ark
The animals he brought in by twosies
Thank God he only bought one of yousies
You are nothing but an ugly Yetti
Why you messin' with Gorgeous Eddie?
Eddo said...
And KT, I think SOS is calling you out!!! You need to slam him back gurrrrl!
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
LOL!!
ones and twosies!!
one of yousies!!!
Im crying
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
But I aint cryin fo long
Yo eddo cant rap fo' shizzle
actin like a lil b'nizzle
Trys to get all da girls ta Holla
but has to slip dem all 20 dolla
Eddo you rap white as heck
with dat Barry Manilow screamin'
out of your TAPE DECK!
Snoop always calls to see what be happnin
Im like "yo doggy dogg whats crackalackin?"
You think that you be booty shakin
you about as black as idol Clay Akin
I own this little rap game
my flava so crazy its insane
Princess Steph said...
dude. funny as hell.
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
*pulls out cardboard, its on*
Eddo said...
SOS keep talkin that Jibber Jabber
I tire of hearin his big lips blabber
He is white than Snap, Crackle, and Pop
His mouf keep runnin and it just won't stop.
Talkin' snoop, he means SNOOPY
This Charlie Brown ain't got nothin on me.
He's knows all the whiteys, Kelly Clarkson and Pink.
He dances to Whitesnake at the skating rink.
S.O.S means Sloppy Ol' Steve
He can't fool us, he can't decieve
Pimple, Pimple, Cocoa Puff
Steve me boy, I have called your bluff.
MsThang said...
Oh damn! You just called him out lol.. I would like to go on the record and say I called him out last post lol.
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
Callin me out that jus dont matter
yo bro you still will always be fatter
thats with an "F" not a "PH"
you have to buy the gallon size preperation H
The only time that you are quicker
is in da bedroom with your dollar fifty stripper
OMW I cant believe I went there
have I also mentioned I still have ALL my hair?
I think that we could go at this all day
neither of us will ever back away
Your butt is big that fact is simple
You are so big you gots back-dimples
How can I beat da skating rink?
that was so funny I gots ta think
MsThang said...
DAMN SOS! Oh no you didn't go there!
Heather said...
Pimple, Pimple, Cocoa Puff??
LMAO!!!!
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
I think I got a bit too ghetto
No offense my dear Boy Eddo
I have found I cant stop rhymin
stair master Eddo should be climbin
All is said in Jest
I still love Eddo he's the best
I think we be quick as one another
and thank God we are leavin out our Mothers
;-)
MsThang said...
Haha.. yes praise god you are leaving out the innocent mothers lol.
Eddo said...
LOL! Gallon Size preparation H!!!
I have to stop. I can bear no more.
Thanks everyone for the fun. I hope you all enjoyed this Great Butt Rap Off 2005!!! AL-READY!!!!
Joe & Julie said...
Man I don't even know what to say, other than this has been the most excitement I've seen at work since Msthang worked here! Rap on!!!!
Katie said...
I leave for an hour or so and OMW
Uhhh Eddie Capt SOS might know a little bit about Clay Aiken, I'm pretty sure that in his CD collection
I'm not getting in the middle of this one, SOS can call me out all he wants, I know that you two are way out of my league (or maybe it's the other way around, hmmmm . . . . . )
MsThang said...
KT.. you do have a point.. he named it as one of the CD's in his collection! And I agree they are way out of YOUR league!
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
stalkers...
I call it a tie Eddo!
Eddo said...
No SOS, I think you win the Title of "The Great Butt Rapper!" Lol!
Congrats GBR!
MsThang said...
LOL stalkers!
(raises up hand)
Talk to the palm because I am da bomb!
Katie said...
Uhh, no stalking just a great memory (can't help it I just have skillzzzz (yep worth the four z's))
Stalking would be lurking on your site for days on end . . . .
jes said...
you guys, this is sooo funny. as i read each word i was totally rapping along. steve, when you come in town we're totally going to have a WEEKEND of gamenights, in which we play settlers, other games, and have a rap-off. :)
Amstaff Mom said...
I'm with Jes.
Eddo said...
Jes, we so needed your rap skillz today...
Katie said...
Can Jes rap in my place?
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
OK then I am the great Butt rapper
While Eddo still stuck on the crapper
Now go figure
thats just his luck
Stuck to his ass like a suction cup
Enough of my pitter-patter
Get back to your twinkie platter
Im the best
sound the alarm
I got great ass like a donkey farm
Thats just how I roll
An ass highway paved in Gold
I am the man
A white-ass Villian
With my butt raps Im thrillin
Thanks for puttin up with my ego
I know you hate to see me go
so grab some change
bounce quarters off my assa
Bet they fly higher than NASA
Peace!!
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
i just... cant... stop...
Katie said...
Eddie = Captain SOS
I swear the two of you share the same mind, if not the same butt
jes said...
I was just walkin' down the hall,
Minding my biz
When I guy said "hello" and as I passed, "Damn, y'all!"
He stopped, but I kept goin'
His jaw was dropped tho I didn't start slowin;
Cause I knew he was staring
And in his mind comparing
My sweet, juicy peach
To Captain's hind-end leech
Sucked, Withered, Shriveled away
NBC is planning a special on his lack of display
He and Eddo are rappin
People are clappin
They have yet to turn around
And show their arse – the burial ground
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
Jes why you tryin to bring game?
When yo rappin skills (with an "s") are lame?
Cause I gots da skillZ
dat come with da "Z"
we all know you really LOVE Andy
MTV called they got letters dat you write
Saying you think Andy is SO tight
He makes you all hot
And he makes you dream
of Milonakis doused in Whipping cream
You say Just say JES I say Just say no
You should try some straightner for your "fro"
I know that you be cute
In That Tiara dat sparkle
Only Texans call ROshambo gay-ass FARKLE
So go write another letter to dear "Mary"
Oh my gosh you come across so mean and scary
You told her
with yo yelling and yo screaming
"Juicey Peach"?? you are dreamin
Heather said...
And he brings out the big guns.
jes said...
Captain's style is wanting
While Eddo's confronting
Somethin' bout cheddar, somethin' bout soufflé
Please, mama! Get them each a cafeteria tray!
They're hungry, they're stuffing
They're huffing and puffing
Trying to mimic my glutes
They ought to just forget it,
And get a couple of bus routes.
I walk by, all the guys cry
Cause my back is sweet like apple pie
Put me in water
And I'll float like William Bligh
Cap'ns confused,
He needs to be rescued
From these hallucinations.
He couldn't even be saved
By the Bush Administration.
He thinks he's got Skills with a Z
He must have been told dat my the A.A.R.P.
Come to think of it, that must be why
His sounds is inferior, like MCI.
Katie said...
Jes you are inviting wrath like no other . . . . .
jes said...
haha, i was making myself laugh this morning while i wrote that. especially the bit about the AARP. ha!
Eddo said...
Jessica, Jessica, Why dost thou start?
That rap so lame it was like a fart
It stunk up the air, it stunk up the room
I had to sweep it off the floor with a broom!
I know you want to shake your lump
You think men get love drunk on your hump
But girl that thing is a little ol' bump
You need to ghetto-size that rump!
You can't hang with us big boys so please don't try
We'll send you packin, we'll make you cry...
jes said...
Eddo, apparently you haven't seen
My big ghetto bootie – a size 14.
It's like a big shelf on my back
I make boys go wiggity-wiggity-wiggity-WHACK!
I have no problems shaking my rump
But YOU need to get help from a hydraulic pump.
I hear yo' words about that fart,
But smellin yours earned me the purple heart.
I see ya clutchin and trying to hang on
But my skillz are recorded in the Gospel of John
So honey don't ya start trippin'
Unless ya WANT TO GET A WHIPPIN.
Katie said...
Eddie - your google ads are FREAKING me out again.
jes said...
ads about moisturizer & lip balm are freaking you out, KT?
Katie said...
It won't copy but this is what it says for me:
Fragrant Vagina Mist
Sweetspot Labs PH balanced spray for a healthier and balanced vagina
Enough said.
Heather said...
KT - I think Eddo posted that one just for you.
Eddo said...
Jes, that last rap was hilarious!!
"But my skillz are recorded in the Gospel of John"
Too bad I am going to have to slam it right back at ya...
Eddo said...
Wide Load Coming Through...
Butt so big people yell Choo Choo!
They thought it was a train
It had them trippin'
That butt's so big
Why aren't those pants rippin?
Shimmy Shimmy in your jeans
That butt is bangin people scream
They scream in terror they scream in fright
Girl that but has been super-sized.
I was wrong I must confess
Jes you win the big butt contest...
When people pass they'll say "Dear Lord!,
Look at that girls butt - IT'S A BIG BILLBOARD!"
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
*work-schmirk... cracking knuckles*
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
it goes "one for the treble"
"two for the bass"
"Jes's ass fills up this place!"
She rolls! From here to there
not a juicy peach but a big ass pear
The Gospel of John
Girl thinks that she has sass
Girl you are the book of DaLARDYASS
This is a game only for da boys
You aint digital your poliroid
is that a chair?
Stuck to your rear-end?
I gots more power than Superfriends
I gots da wonder I gots da Super
I have the worlds most powerful pooper
Im leavin Eddo out
Im the verbal master
when you walk in rooms you crack plaster
Katie said...
and so it begins . . . . .
jes said...
Uh-huh. Yeah, right. Check this:
My bootie is ghetto, and that's a fact
But it hasn't violated the respiratory tract.
Too bad no one can say the same
About your bootie's claim to fame
Ya see, Eddo and his MONSTROUS rear
Suffocate the room, causing death so severe.
He walks in and people can't breathe
His ass is bigger than JLo's on-screen.
He can't even shop at the big and tall
He has to sew his clothes after the curtain call
When enough cloth drops down to cover one cheek
Better watch out – he may spring a leak
Cause his ass is bigger than a mountain peak.
S. – O. – S.
Is scrambling, trying to find a way
Hastily, swiftly, that is to say
He's on his way out, his raps are a mess
He has yet to slam me with success.
He said something about a Polaroid.
He sounds more like he's unemployed.
And boy, can't you spell?
A-ring-a-ding-ling: that's the warning bell.
You're bragging about your world's most powerful pooper
Your mother must have been quite a trooper
I, for one, won't discuss my bowel movements
Though it looks like you keep a list of your accruements
We know you say you're a cutter
But it's probably more like a sputter
So we'll leave you with your diarrhea.
Smuggled across the Canadian border
in a mammoth tortilla.
Cookie723 said...
I'm more frightened by this seriously scary rap-off than I was by those ads, Katie!
Yikers! (Way to go, Jes!!)
Amstaff Mom said...
y'all are like fine wine
only getting better with time
yep, that's the extent of my rhyme.
Seriously, I'm dying over here.
Eddo said...
My mail filter keeps filtering your raps out! LOL!
Jes, Please! I am bout to destroy you!!!
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
Yeah.. yeah.. uuhh huuhhh...get yo game on.. yeah yeah
Spiggy spat yippy dippy doo
big butter butt I dump on you
When you order food
Its a quadruple order
Crack-smoker? Tortillas from the canadian border?
Yo what? Yo HUH? GET YOU GAME ON??
triple dipple super ass
bigger than a barge
My ass is priceless like Mastercard
3 days of rappin
the cap'n is da man!
I am gonna whoop your ass at Settlers of Catan!
Yo yiggy yep dont talk about my mother
You from down in Texas are you married to your brother?
You drive a pinto me I drive da Lexus
i look at you and realize ALL things are big in Texas
Anonymous said...
THE CARDBOARD IS OUT!!!
Eddo said...
This just in! We had an Eclipse
Oh, it was just the sun being blocked by Jessica's Hips!
Lumber, Lumber, Lumber Jack-
I almost mistook that thing for a cadillac!
Planet Earth can't take much more
Jes' but is such an eyesore
Uranus look out, here comes your equal
It's gonna be big and it already had a sequel...
"Giganto Butt" it's a number one hit
Too bad that butt is all counterfeit.
Jes we are on to you and your big ol' butt
We know why you have to strut
You got two big hams stuffed down your pants
Butt so full you can barely dance
You wish so bad you had the mega booty
But all you got is a tiny fruity
No Georgia Peach, more like a cherry
The other day someone called it a cranberry
Your but girl is a Pirates Dream
Sunken Booty if you know what I mean
You better take your butt doctor back to court
And sue that man for more butt support
Cause those implants you got, must have come from the black market
It's time you take your butt home.. And park it!
Eddo said...
What? cardboard? Are you about to start Break Dancing? Why do people keep saying that!?!?!?!
jes said...
Cap'n don't know nothing bout Settlers of Catan
He couldn't figure it out if he was the Miracle Man
He makes up words, thinkin they rhyme.
Good thing I got here in the nick of time.
You got Texas confused with Arkansas
You better step back – better yet, withdraw.
I'm from Seattle, straight from the hood
And I'll pop a cap if I'm misunderstood.
You think the Northwest is where it's at.
You forget all those hills make your ass real flat
You better drive that Lexus up to the store
And pick up some Miracle Gro to sprinkle on yur back door.
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
Your but girl is a Pirates Dream
Sunken Booty if you know what I mean
YES!!! thats a good one!!
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
ALRIGHT YOU ASKED FOR IT JES!! I AM BUSTIN YOUR ASS:
VANILLA ICE STYLE!!!!
Large Large Baby, Large Large Baby
All right stop, put down yo Donuts and listen
Cap’ns back With another round of Dissin’
Something bout yo ass is frightnin’
Harpoon you like a whale daily and nightly
Will it ever stop Growin? Yo - I don't know
You like a cosby character wid dat afro
To the extreme I rock an ass like a King
Light up your life Like Debbie Boone use ta sing
Dance, you make the floor go CRUNCH!!
Your killing yourself wid dat twelve course lunch
Deadly, when I rap a dope melody
yo there Jes I know that yo just jealous of me
Love it or leave it, You better gain way
Your ass is the bull's eye, every single day
if cookies where a problem, Yo, Jes would eat it
Check out Jenny Craig yo girl you need it
LARGE LARGE BABY!! LARGE LARGE BABY!!
YOU SO LARGE LARGE BABY!! LARGE LARGE BABY!!
Now that the party is jumping
Jes broke the floor with that ass she is thumpin
Im quick to the point to the point no faking
Jes is cookie up twelve pounds of Bacon
Eating them with links of pig
Damn you ever seen a girl so big?
Rollin' she’s a size 46.0
Rag top down so the Lard can flow
McDonalds on standby, Burgers stacked a mile high
Did she stop? Yes- she stops every time
if cookies where a problem, Yo, Jes would eat it
Check out Jenny Craig yo girl you need it
LARGE LARGE BABY!! LARGE LARGE BABY!!
YOU SO LARGE LARGE BABY!! LARGE LARGE BABY!!
jes said...
OH. MY. GOSH, EDDIE.
You have me laughing.
Now I may have to send you packing
A Cadillac? Please.
You'd better get on your knees
And beg for mercy before this gets old
I'm going to pin you in a wrestling hold
One, two buckle my shoe
Three, four, I'm startin to feel sorry for…
Damn! Boy, you can't even bend over
Maybe you can get some help from your dog Rover.
That is, if you don't smother him first
With your three-hundred thirty pounds
Poor dog looks like he's about to burst.
Maybe you should just get a crane
Hook yourself up to a big jet plane.
It can try to fly, you can be the anchor.
Your weight will pull it down
Like a damaged oil tanker.
You think I have implants?
What about you and them stretch pants?
You've done broken the zipper
Torn the seam, like Jack the Ripper
Don your black sheet, it's okay.
Your ass is just wasting away
I heard the government's making plans
To send you off with Peter Pan
So you can eat imaginary food
And drop some weight
Cause that crane couldn't even lift you in a crate!
Forget the tanker, the anchor, the plane
Your ass has got you like a ball and chain.
Eddo said...
SOS and Jes! I cannot be laughing like this when I am on the phone!!!
Now I guess I have to get dirty... and shut ya'll down for good.
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
I will have to say that the Debbie Freakin Boone line wins!
jes said...
Spinchter's style is droppin
He used to have it poppin
Like some fireworks on Fourth of July
He ought to just say Bye-Bye-Bye.
Rag top down so the Lard can flow?
What about that do you know?
Obviously, a lot.
Your butt is as wide as a 120 foot yacht.
Out in the country, up in Oregon
Year round you go for a ski run
Not on snow, not on ice
You ski on the fat of pigs with lice
Your head is itchy
Your arms are fat
Your eyes are beady
Like a chinchilla rat
Hold on, beware: he's like the bubonic plague
The grease is rollin and drippin down his leg
Cap'n should just enroll in Weight Watchers
Maybe he'd peel off some pounds
Meet the girl of his dreams
She'll be there too, slathered in cold cream
Eddo said...
Your head is itchy
Your arms are fat
Your eyes are beady
Like a chinchilla rat
OMW!
jes said...
eddie, will you make a separate page for site called "Rap-Off" (similar to "Marry Me" and "Admit") and include each individual rap from yesterday and today, chronologically? I went back to read through them, and I am laughing SO hard. it's totally obvious i'm not getting much work done.
Eddo said...
Jes, she knows about the grease
She spoons it up and says, "Seconds Please!!"
Butt so big she needs a body wrap
Sweatin like a mummy... what's up with that?
She loves the gravy, she loves the taters
Her closest friends are all restaurant waiters!
She has to call the fire department to take a bath
She's 120X32342 you do the math
Eddo said...
This will definitely have to have it's own page... I actually missed one of the SOS's because I scrolled too fast and I read it and nearly busted apart!
Cookie723 said...
Thank you Jes - I am getting zippo done today seeing as every 15 minutes I shoot back here to see what I've missed...SOS, the tribute to Vanilla was fantastic! Jes & Ed. There aren't words to describe it.
Queen Boo-tay said...
Yo, Jes, let’s kick it!
Queen, Queen, Boo-tay,
Queen Queen Boo-tay
All right stop, back yo ass up and listen
Between Capt and Ed, there’s somethin missin
You fools been trying to rap all tightly
But yo butts are givin gals scares all nightly
Will it ever stop? Yo – I don’t know
Take a step back and I’ll give you a show
To the extreme I rock my ass like a scandal
Even with two hands you’ll never get a handle
Drop, my butt hits floors with a boom
A globe so big it even blocks out the full moon
Deadly, my ass if nice and meaty
Anything less than this is cheaty
Love it or leave it, you gotta respect
Your butts look like they just part of yo neck
If there is an ass brass, yo I got it
Check out my hook, while my girl Jes revolves it
Queen, Queen, Boo-tay,
You like my Queen Queen Boo-tay
Queen, Queen, Boo-tay,
You like my Queen Queen Boo-tay
I got some big chunk in this trunkin
The junk you got is seriously bunkin
Short on the hiney, yo boys you be fakin
Stuffin with charmin a booty you makin
Softy those asses are made of paper
You ain’t doin your butt any favors
Pancakes are what I see back there
Flat and smooth covered up with back hair
Bangin with my 10.0
Butt so good you never seen it’s twin-o
The boysies all hangin round hope’n catch a fly-by
Did you stop? No – I just shook it high
Wishin and cryin they want some of it
But their own butts be jealous I got so much sh*t
Yo – so I continued to a1a got-ass ave.
Eddo yo ass ain’t nothing like Arnuld
You might be big but your butt be carnal
Bangin and bumpin you tryin too hard
Think nothin of being a big ol gaytard
Captain you think you got all the skillz
sorry my brother you nothin but illz
Little and puney your butts got to go
Ain’t nothing to brag about that is fo sho
Ladies are naturally gifted in the rear
We pack it right were you boys like to jeer
Bumper to bumper you just can’t compare
Check out your backside and there’s nothing but air
Sorry to say, you know what I mean
Us girlies have the cheeks that cause all the scenes
We got it ridin all up in our caboose
Capt's backend's so empty even pleather be too loose
If there is an ass brass, yo I got it
Check out my hook, while my girl Jes revolves it
Queen, Queen, Boo-tay,
You like my Queen Queen Boo-tay
Queen, Queen, Boo-tay,
You like my Queen Queen Boo-tay
jes said...
LOL - who is Queen Bootay? Reveal thyself!
Captain S.O.S. said...
www.captainsos.blogspot.com
jes said...
abs. hurt. laughing. too. hard.
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
Wow its amazing how much time one can waste
Katie said...
What in the world. This is what I get for being busy.
jes said...
work, schmirk. go visit sos's site to hear him rap his version of ice ice baby.
sos, can you rap queen bootay's also?
Katie said...
Oh Jes, been there, done that, scared the students heard. I know they heard me laughing.
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
well at least I knwo who da Booty Queen Be... jes flowin an alter ego?
Eddo said...
Da Bootay Queen is funny too, is it you Jes???? I must know!!
jes said...
as much as i would L.O.V.E. to take credit for telling you boys that your booties are as flat as pancakes, i cannot take credit for it.
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
eddo??
Eddo said...
It isn't me... fo real.
some silly freakin white guy said...
This is the longest I have seen Eddo go without another post in a while! Rappin keepin ya busy?
The Blog Patrol said...
Eddo just posted something on the BP site... too much fun happening on this site to stop it with a pensive post.
And I bet that Freakin White guy is big ol Joe!
Queen Boo-tay said...
Can't figure out who I am?
Sorry boys your butts are spam
Packaged and not real
We know you can't match my skillz
I'm here to tell you now
My boo-tay goes ka-pow
Your poor white butts are breakin
My booty's money makin
Eddo you got some soul
But your butt would scare a troll
Captain thinks he's a rock star
Trouble is his ass ain't even par
I'm checkin your end loaders
And boys you're just getting older
So sorry I can't stay
My big ol ass gets in the way
jes said...
whoa! ha! looks like someone is dissin you boys.
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
Jes.. jes.. jes jester
Rhyme Molester
Sayin she da Queen
only in her dreams
I see that she is you
now the game is through
It aint Katie
cause she's a lady
when you go outside
you creatin too much Shady
jes said...
Captain, captain you're mistaken
It ain't me that you're shakin
I got a little story that you should know
Sit down, sit tight, and grab your cookie dough.
Here's a little ditty that i'll tell with glee:
When you assume, you make an ASS out of U and ME.
Queen Boo-tay said...
I got love for all my sisters
Glutes so big we get the blisters
Boys are lackin with their bottoms
Sorry boys but yours be trottin
Capt says lady not the Queen
Boy, my ass dun bust your spleen
Queen not gonna be a hater
But your pants need an inflator
Katie said...
OMW - way too much going on here. Why do I have so much work to do when all this is going on?
Ha ha, I am a lady thank you very much Mr. SOS, oops I mean Captain SOS.
jes said...
SOS, just cause I rap means I'm not a lady?
INSULTED.
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
I got a little story that you should know
Sit down, sit tight, and grab your cookie dough.
Here's a little ditty that i'll tell with glee:
When you assume, you make an ASS out of U and ME.
OMW!! I would respond Jes but i just pee's my pants
Queen Boo-tay said...
Marco, polo where’s the stuff
Ain’t nothing back there sure enough
Chitty Chitty on the bang
You ain’t got a shakin thang
Girls can groove like nothing other
Because our butts come from out mothers
Yea you heard me givin moms the props
She’s the reason I got such drops
Supercalifragilistic
Texas girls ain’t all just hicks
Some of us are mighting blessed
Those northern girls are second best
I’ve got love for all my guys
But I’m not given up the disguise
You boys are cool, you guys are tight
I don’t want to pick a fight
Don’t be angry don’t be mad
I’m hoping fun by all was had
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
you a lady?
The "L" stands for Lard
and the "A" it stands for ass
the "D" for Double-Bubble
welcome to school this is MY class
No I know you wonder
So I just wont make you guess
is the Captain the Butt-rap Master?
The "Y" it stand for YES!
CAPTAIN S.O.S. (Rap Champion and mASSter) said...
I will have to point out that there is 37 different raps in here eddo! That is scary
Cav said...
OH MY GOODNESS - I JUST READ ALL THIS FROM BEGINNING TO END....DAMN.
SOOOO FUNNY - WISH I WAS THERE FROM THE START TO GET IN ON THE DISSIN'...ERR I MEAN ACTION.
LOVE YOU GUYS.
Ben said...
Crazy.
MsThang said...
OMW This is the funniest stuff.. I thought for sure you guys were done yesterday but then Jes stepped up to the plate and gave you your run for your money!
GO JES, and Queen Boo-tay (2 seperate people of course)
Eddo said...
Ugh. I am livid that QB won't reveal herself... My sister is awesome when it comes to rappin' but I don't know if she would have the time to come up with all of that.
Lava said...
not me bro! You're right - don't have the time!
Queen Boo-tay said...
She has skills, she has grace
But nobody knows her face
Secret character like a spy
Heck, this queen may be a guy
Oompa Loompa who’s that girl
Seems the queen has got some swirl
Some be callin sista Jes
But it’s not her I must confess
The girl’s got skills that don’t compare
But she don’t got my shiny hair
Maybe I am Mr. Eddo
Come sit next to me, you fine fellow
Big and tall with calves of steel
Queenie eddo would be surreal
Could it be Captain SOS
His rappin skills I don’t possess
He got close to the answer
But ended up lookin like a square dancer
Sorry Capt you were mistaken
Seems this lady knows her bacon
I’m a sweetheart, I’m a lady
Cause Queen Boo-tay is none other than Katie
jes said...
You messin
And pressin
Purely distressin
Cause KT's confessin
Captain thought
she was a lady
Turns out
that KT's kinda shady
She calls herself
The Queen Boo-tay
Her hair is as shiny
As a golden ray
She thinks she's so witty
She thinks she's so smart
She fooled the boys
With her crazy rapping art
She hipped, she hopped
The boys both dropped
Cap'n & Ed, you better scurry
Before KT and I
give you reason to worry!
Eddo said...
I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT!!!
KT, that was priceless, keeping it a secret! You get sumo points for that.
Amstaff Mom said...
*jaw drops* OH.MY.GOSH.
It was YOU!?!?! K-T!!!!!
*bows reverently to the great K-T.*
girl, you got it goin' on!
Amstaff Mom said...
Conde-wow-za.
Katie said...
Let's just call it a fleeting moment of idiot savantness.
AM - Condewowsa - Had me rolling.
Katie said...
BTW - no shadyness here, all ladyness (just with a splash of humor)
Amstaff Mom said...
I had to go back and read them now that I know it's you, K-T. You are just crackin' me up.
Who knew dissertations and raps could come from the same person?
Katie said...
I am small potatoes compared to the ellite three (Jes, Eddo, SOS).
CAPTAIN S.O.S. said...
thats the smiggity smack sound
of a jaw dat hits da floor
the captains walkin out
jus headin fo da door
It nevahhh crossed my mind
KT was dis talker
I even thought that it might be
one of my many stalkers
Katie said...
Sorry captain but the mystery was worth the reaction from everyone
Katie said...
Oh and NOT a stalker, I'll leave that job to some other people . . . .
MsThang said...
Sorry guys, and Jes.. I think KT got you guys beat hands down! Mad props to KT for not only shocking us but putting out some great comebacks!
Amstaff Mom said...
all the while appearing like such the task-master that she hadn't been able to keep up with the posts.
Wool over eyes.