Category: I’m Just Sayin

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I ask important questions up front like, “Were you ever a dude?” and “Are you a Wiccan?”

I’m not sure if I posted on here about trying e-Harmony again in December of last year, but  I did. Surprisingly I was matched with very few women and the ones I was matched with weren’t a match at all.

What is it about online dating services that makes me feel like I am bargain basement shopping? It’s like I have this selection of women served up before me that are last year’s models or returned items that someone else didn’t want. I know what you are thinking: Harsh Much! But it’s true.

I’ve been trying Match.com for a month now and it seems that everyone they are matching me with is divorced. When did people start getting divorced in their twenties?

I’m probably being too judgmental or even unrealistic cause I know there are some amazing divorced women out there, but I sort of want to be my wife’s first husband. When someone has already been married then I feel like “Hey, you already had your turn, let some the rest of us have a shot!”

Match.com gives me 5 new matches a day and most of the time I can look at their profile and tell if we would actually be a good match. I have talked to a couple of girls through email and I can’t help but be bored.

One girl said, “It’s torture for me to get to know someone through email.” And I wanted to respond back, “If that is the case, then you should give me a good reason to want to meet you in person. Be interesting. Be funny. Be witty. Charming. SOMETHING!” Snore.

I have a tendency to quickly write out a long email that gives insights into who I am and what I am looking for without coming right out and saying it. I ask important questions up front like, “Were you ever a dude?” and “Are you a Wiccan?” It’s important to get these questions out of the way at the beginning instead of finding out on the third or fourth date and you’ve already french kissed on the front steps of her lair.

I promise that I am not hardened or set in my ways, but the last 4-6 relationships, the girls I took out from e-Harmony, Wilbur Smith novels and the 33 years I have lived on this Earth have wizened me and enhanced my bullcraptometer.  Online dating services allow people to put their best foot forward on an online profile but I think it also attracts people that fall into these categories:

  • Desperate
  • Shallow
  • Married
  • Divorced
  • Perverts
  • Crazies
  • Hopeless Romantics
  • Gold Diggers

I’m sure that makes me sound jaded, but I’m just drawing a conclusion based on my own personal experience and observation. But I also believe that in every field full of weeds you can find a beautiful wild flower… Somewhere in this great wide world there is a woman who will understand my heart and see me for who I am – flawed, but awesome.  She’s out there somewhere and I plan to find her.

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I'm Just Sayin

It was as if someone had dropped a big fart on the dance floor because it cleared out immediately.

I’m always annoyed by those people who come up to me while I am DJing and ask me to play a number of songs.

“Can you play Friends in Low Places followed by Get Low and then the Electric Slide?”

I can’t help but think in my mind, “Seriously?” The reason you hire a DJ is because they know how to keep a party moving.

Last night the groove was happening. I had about 20 people on the dance floor for this great house party. Everyone was dressed 60’s flower child style and their costumes were awesome. However, this one lady who was dressed in bell bottoms and a tube top came over and asked me to play some “Real 60’s Music.” I was playing mostly 70’s because that is what I was told to play by the lady who hired me. Her husband was born in 1969 and so she wanted songs played from each decade of his life.

So… trying to be the gracious DJ I put on her 3 requested songs. It was as if someone had dropped a big fart on the dance floor because it cleared out immediately. A bad song can be a real stinker to a great party and so it is imperative that you keep the groove happening. Just because it was a number 1 hit or a popular song does not mean it is a good song for a dance party.

Hippie chick comes back over after the 3 songs she requested are over and says, “Okay, now you can pick things back up” and I replied, “Yeah, you kinda killed it.”

Whoa! Did I actually just say that to her? Normally I would keep those kind of comments in my brain. I mean, I said it with a nice face, but it was true and I wanted her to go away.

The rest of the people that requested music did better, but the host of the party kept coming back and asking me to bring back the funk – gotta have that funk. I was more than happy to oblige and she was very nice and cool.

As my time was coming to a close they asked me to stay longer and I said I would, no charge, but the lady gave me an extra $100 bucks for staying about 45 minutes extra. Sweet.

I think in the end everyone had a great time, but I think few people realize that DJ’s, at least the good ones like myself, we know what we are doing and so it’s best to leave the playlist to the Pros and if you have a song request then one song at a time please.

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I'm Just Sayin Stories

After I enjoyed my breakfast I would be ushered into the back for a deep tissue massage and other spa services

I don’t normally hop on over to IHOP. It’s generic food that is mass produced doesn’t appeal to my refined palate and if I want to eat breakfast crap then I will just go to McDonalds or Whataburger – both of which normally provide better tasting food than IHOP.

This morning I woke up at 4 a.m. after an especially long sleeping jag. I took a nap yesterday that started at 2 p.m. and lasted until 4 a.m. this morning and so when I woke up there was no chance I was going to go back to sleep… so what to do?

I hopped online and read some blogs, posted some comments, and then I decided I was hungry since the previous day I had slept right through dinner. I decied on IHOP.

When I walked in the place was empty save for one couple. There wasn’t a greeter and from the sounds coming from the kitchen I thought maybe a troup of monkeys had been released and they were being forced to do the dishes. Loud shrieks of laughter kept coming from the kitchen, but no one was coming out to assist me.

I waited. Where else was I going to go?

Finally after about 5 minutes someone came out and said, “Did you need something?”

“Um, yeah, I wanted to eat breakfast”

“Oh, okay, sorry”

I sat down and ordered a chicken sandwich only to be annoyed by the employee that was sitting in the booth behind me. He had his iPod with him and he decided that he would turn the music up so loud that I could hear it crystal clear through his headphones.

Ugh. I thought I would have a quiet breakfast and get some reading done before church, but alas, it was not meant to be.

Finally my waiter arrived and I ordered some food, but before it arrived a posse of peeps fresh from an Prom came rolling in and then I knew for sure that this was not going to be a pleasant experience.

It was my own fault actually because before I had ever arrived at this particular IHOP I had fantasized about the place making into something much grander than it actually was. With a cool exterior and large windows they had designed this IHOP to look like a Swiss Chalet and so I had sort of romanticized my morning breakfast. I had pictured myself sipping on a hot cup of coffee with a warm scarf wrapped around my neck while I watched skiers swoop down the mountain. When my crepes arrived they would be delivered by a “Heidi” with blond hair and pigtails and she would have a German accent.

After I enjoyed my breakfast I would be ushered into the back for a deep tissue massage and other spa services. Everything would be wooden and warm and minty fresh and they would be playing Edelweiss through the speakers and bringing me hot chocolate made of course by Swiss Miss herself.

Yes. This is what it is like in my head and this is why my reality is often disappointing. I have unrealistic expectations of many things, including women, I have this dream, this vision of someone who is great and will be an amazing mom and wife and who just instinctively knows what to do and say to make my day.

For me though, this latter fantasy is more realistic as I have had glimpses of this in my friends wives, my sisters and of course my own mother.

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I'm Just Sayin Observations Relationships

Something is Up

The dream sequence started differently. I mean, I was there and then suddenly I was grabbed by this girl that I knew and she started kissing me. It caught me off gaurd and I fell down. She fell with me her tongue locked in my cheek and me wondering if she was going to cut me with her braces. Braces? She doesn’t have braces in reality so why does she have them in this dream sequence?

Her blond hair and milk colored complexion paired with her rich red lips remind me of Gwen Stefani or one of those blond girls in a comic strip.

I should be delighted that some girl is throwing herself at me, but I am perplexed because this person, where did she come from and why all of the sudden is she here? At this skating rink?

It’s not a sex dream, I rarely have those even though in Psychology 101 we were told that most of our dreams were sexual, what? I don’t think so. I dream mostly of food and chocoloate chip cookies and working at the nursing home and Ultimate Frisbee.

The few times I have had sex dreams I always wake up before the sex. Does that happen to you? To everyone? It’s like one of those dreams where you have won the lotto or suddenly your wildest dream is coming true but before it fully comes to fruition you wake up.

But lately, my dreams are different. My day dreams are different too. I’m scanning girls all the time wondering if they could be the future Mrs. because the last futue Mrs. hopeful was not interested in the least and she let me know by ingoring my attempts at starting up a super-delicious romance that would have started with her and I and a plate of Thai and we would be laughing and eating Pad Thai and our lips would touch as we slurped on a really long and fat rice noodle and it would be like a scene from Lady and the Tramp and then later we would have a batch of puppies.

For real though, lately, something is up. I think being self-employed has left me with too much time to be alone and the time that I used to spend alone on the weekends was “ME” time but now that is all I have, “Me” time and too much of that and so yeah, I’d love to have a woman in my life that I could take to breadwinners and to watch Grey’s Anatomy with. I’d sit with her on the couch and massage her feet and listen to her talk endlessly about her day and what she wanted to eat for dinner and how her mom is stressing her out. I’d listen and I’d be grateful that my time was no longer all mine.

So yeah, something is up, perhaps I am finally growing up… it’s doubtful, but maybe.

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I'm Just Sayin

Tweets for 2009-04-22

  • I feel like reenacting that scene from Tommy Boy where Chris Farley sings and dances…”I’m a Maniac, Maniac!” #
  • I was just in a booth at Casa Ole and I kept smelling urine. #
  • @nubied um… Talk about getting the cart before the horse! #
  • @beckpage you need to give us a tease with that link! #
  • I got a Honda Pilot and two of my DBC Hangar dudes got Pilots… We are waiting on Nathan Allison to upgrade to the Pilot from the CRV. #
  • I am trying to find an agent to help me publish my fiction novel and my Memoirs. Does anyone have some connections in this department? #
  • I only planned to be in Waco for 1 night, not 3 and so I just dropped $248 at academy for workout clothes and new Under Armour underwear! #
  • those plugins. #
  • CrowdSPRING just posted an $80,000 project for LG. Don’t know what CrowdSpring is? Then you need to check it out: http://tinyurl.com/d8lzzl #

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