Category: Stories

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Sent: Sunday, June 17, 2007 5:12 AMMy dad used to say that inside of the car’s air-bags was uncooked popcorn. When you wrecked the popcorn would pop and you would have a snack until help came.

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Sent: Sunday, June 17, 2007 6:13 AM

When I was little, my dad told me ATMs worked by having little monkeys inside them. I believed that for years. Now I work in a bank, and wish it were true!

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Sent: Sunday, June 17, 2007 6:55 AM

My dad told me the worst swear word you could possibly say was “Bostonian”. It meant “someone who has no private parts.” My brother and I used the word until we were teenagers and my father giggled every time we said it, right before he sent us to our rooms.

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Sent: Sunday, June 17, 2007 8:29 PM

when i was little my dad told me that polyester was a small animal in australia & they would kill it to make clothes. that night i sat in my room reading the labels on my clothes for hours & threw all of the polyester ones away.

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Sent: Sunday, June 17, 2007 10:06 PM

When I was little my Dad told me that the tune played by the ice-cream van was the ice-cream man letting everyone know that he’d run out of ice-cream.

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Sent: Sunday, June 17, 2007 9:56 AM

When we’d approach exits or toll booths, my father told me the sound the car made when it went over the rumble strips was the car getting angry because I had been bad. I still sit up a little straighter when I hit a rumble strip.

I don’t have any to add… but if you do, please add them in the comments!

Travis Miller a.ka. Straight Shooter McGee posed this remarkable question in one of his comments yesterday and I was surprised at how insightful and timely it was. You see, right now, in this very moment, I am living with both an Umpa Lumpa and a member of the Lolly Pop Guild.

I know what you are thinking, BS EDDO, this is another one of your stories, but it isn’t. Do to my unfortunate circumstances of not being able to find a house I had to find a suitable living location that was affordable and it just so happened that a friend of mine knows this Umpa Lumpa and told me that he was in need of a roommate. “Umpa Lumpa?” Was my obvious response, but I’m all about expanding my horizons and if nothing else it would be something new to blog about. So I moved in with him and to my surprise he already had a roommate that was a member of the lolly pop guild! I walked in and there in the living room was a Bible study with a couple of keebler elves, a hobbit, and a three leprachauns. “Frost my lucky charms!” I exclaimed when I saw the whole bunch of them. It really was quite a surprise, I mean it is one thing to run into a bunch of fairy tale creatures but to see them studying the Bible and Revelations at that, now that was interesting. It seems that the Leprachauns are really into the End Times and there was a heated discussion about pre-trib and post-trib rapture.  Those dwarves were quoting Zechariah and 1 Thessalonians and referencing the Apocrypha as well as interpreting Greek, Hebrew and Aramaic. I was really intrigued by their knowledge of the scriptures.

So back to the question, which is better to live with: An Umpa Lumpa or a member of the Lolly Pop Guild? I’d have to say it is a tough one. You’d be surprised at how much singing those Umpa Lumpa’s do and those Lolly Pop guys are always leaving sticky traces of sugary lolly pops all over the house so it’s really a toss up. What’s more pressing right now is whether or not we are going to allow that silly rabbit, Lucky, to come and live with us… I’m afraid he’ll eat all my Trix.

When I look back on the last 5 days of my life I feel like those 5 days could have been 5 weeks for some people. Travis, my brother from another mother, had his rehearsal dinner at The Prarie House in Denton on Friday night. First the very short rehearsal at the Little Chapel in the Woods followed by me consuming 3 chicken breasts, 2 helpings of brisket, two sides of mashed taters, two sides of beans, and only 1, yes, only 1 serving of peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream.

The next day I played Ultimate Frisbee – thank God – because I needed to burn some serious calories, I did and then I skipped lunch knowing that I had a 1 o’clock wedding to attend followed by a reception that would have WEDDING CAKE! Wedding cake is one of the best forms of cake and I was glad I didn’t eat lunch because at the reception there was a sumptuous feast of meatballs, hot spinach and artichoke dip, chicken skewers covered in a Thai peanut  sauce, loads of cheese and crackers, oh, and let’s not forget the slices of prime rib and shrimp and cocktail sauce!  There was so much food and I felt it was my duty to consume most of it because I hate it when people waste money. I know they would much rather contribute to my happiness than to see the food go to waste and contribute they did!

Raissa was Travis’ quite beautiful bride and she had some very attractive bridesmaids as well, unfortunately, they were either married or from Houston and we all know that Houston is the armpit of Texas. (No offense Houstonians, but my word it is humid and ugly down there).

At the reception there was dancing and butt pinching, yes, my bum got pinched! This is inappropriate behavior ladies no matter what age you are… unless you are under my age and very hot and single, then I will allow it.

I danced a few dances and then at one point I did the Michael Jackson dance that I do and I closed it out with THE WORM. IN DRESS CLOTHES. It was a first for me. I normally save the worm for house parties and more intimate social gatherings.

People applauded and gawked at my skills because, A. I have mad dancing skills and B. It is very rare that you see someone my size do what I do. I’ll have to video it someday and put it on YouTube for the world to see. If I do, however, I will probably be chased by numerous screaming fans and old ladies that want to pinch me bum and that is why I’ve held off on doing it.

After the wedding we all went to dinner that night at Miquelitos. Then Dumas came over to the Cribbies and we hung out for a while just talking and shooting the sh… shooting the umm… what is something that alliterates well with shooting? Well, you know what I mean.

So the next morning we got up and went to Denny’s for breakfast. (Can you believe how much eating I’ve done in this post alone?!) And then we went to see Pirates 3 because we are cool like that and then we met up with the CREW the POSSE the GANG and left for Sulphur Springs where we stayed in a brand new 5 bedroom lodge type house and played all kinds of crazy bachelor party games like – Power Uno and Cranium. We got totally smashed on chocolate cookie bars, Cribby’s mom’s recipe, and then on Monday night we ate brisket, mashed potatoes, fried okra and sweet corn on the cob.  We ate and ate because we had stayed up most of the day throwing around the Frisbee and acting like idiots the way guys like to do.

We took Tuesday off from work so we could stay an extra day and recoup and overall it was a kick A weekend.

QUESTION: Are you right or left-handed. I’ve heard that people who are left-handed (as I am) think differently from those that are right-handed.

ANSWER: Julia, I am right-handed, which would be all right except that I am one of those rare right-handed people who suffers from solodexterous ignoratio, a condition in which the right hand never knows what the left hand is doing. My right hand can be penning a love letter while my left hand is strangling an innocent passerby. My right hand can be sincerely waving bye-bye, while my left hand is making the most viciously obscene gestures, and my right hand remains blissfully clueless of what is transpiring only five fingers away. While engaged in a friendly shake with a new acquaintance, my right hand proceeds utterly unaware that my left hand is trying to gouge out this person’s eyes, thus the right hand is surprised and its feelings are hurt when the new acquaintance, for no reason apparent to the right hand, tries to crush its bones. Conversely, my left hand always knows what my right is doing, but that is another story.

—Dean Koontz