Category: Stories

I read this headline on CNN news. Who would have thought Chiquita could have been so devious? Read all about it here. 

 Oh, bizarre, I just used a WordPress Plug-in to insert adsense into my post and it had an add for JK Harris. This is the company that I wrote about that I recommended NOT using.

Found over the the “Best of” on Craigslist which I didn’t even know existed until today…

Date: 2007-03-04, 6:45PM PST

I didn’t notice what you were wearing because I was too concerned about myself. I was too busy flipping through songs on my iPod but I know you were looking at me because I’m a female with a complex and everyone is always looking at me.

I don’t want to meet you for coffee because that’s played out. I’d rather not risk getting stood up.

I don’t want you to see this because it means that you’re here looking for these sorts of things and I would rather you stay in my mind just like you are; a transitional phantom of a man, barely in the form of one, moving across the street with the strong conviction of a man who knows where he is going. I like that.

I would rather not get into the particulars about who you really are; boxers or briefs (I don’t care), if you pick your nose or not, I don’t want to see you cry or watch you devour a bacon cheeseburger some night at dinner. And I really don’t want to see what you look like when you wake up in the morning because as carefully put-together as I am, I’m a mess at 4 in the morning, and I bet you are too. But I don’t want to know all that.

So let’s just leave it at that and go about our lives; you’ll go back to your lonely in-law apartment in the sunset and I’ll head back to my 2 bedroom on the peninsula and hopefully we’ll never see each other again because I don’t want you to see me scratching my butt in front of my house while sucking down a Camel at 2 a.m.

Please don’t contact me because then I would have to talk to you and that would just ruin everything we have.

“…30 Seconds to Mars” That’s all it said on the label. I could tell by the feel of the fabric that this was no ordinary piece of clothing. It looked too small, but I thought I would go ahead and try on the red jumpsuit apparatus to see if it would fit. It did. As soon as I zipped it all the way up I immediately felt a suctioning of air around me. Swish! Like a bank canister I was being teleported into another dimension.

How long did that take I wondered? Then I remembered the label “Thirty seconds to Mars.” I looked around and there was no doubt that I was on another planet.  I looked at my body in disbelief. The idea that a red jumpsuit apparatus could be some sort of time travel device was ludicrous. 

The red planet was nothing like I had expected.  Large stonelike structures jutted up into the sky so high that you couldn’t see where they stopped. People walked the streets, not aliens, and for the most part they looked as human as me. I walked along at a brisk pace and soon heard what sounded a lot like disco music. I walked up through the doors of a flourescent pink stone like building and saw that it was indeed some sort of club. People were dancing and swaying in rhythmic gyrations that were so complex that James Brown would have been impressed. A lover of dance I couldn’t help but make my way to the floor and start a dance dance revolution. As I popped and snapped everyone started to back away and the screaming started. I stopped dancing as soon as I saw two guys coming toward me that looked like the police.  The shrieks continued and hands tried to grab me but I made a sweet escape just barely eluding an otherworldly confrontation.

I ran down the street looking for a place to hide. I found what looked like a temple and I went inside. Everything was stone, the seats were stone, the nave, the narthex, all of it was sort of a white marblish stone that looked like it was carved out of one huge rock.

I sat down on a bench and soon a man came up to me. His face was white as a sheet and he was the first person who actually looked like he was from another planet. He came over and looked at me and didn’t say anything. Then he reached out his hand and made a gesture to come. I followed him into a large kitchen type area and suddenly I realized that I was starving. The large white man handed me a plate of what looked like red hot chili peppers mixed with black-eyed peas. I wasn’t sure what exactly what it was, but I was so hungry that I tried it. It had the texture of steak and was sweet. As soon as I swallowed it the white man spoke, “Welcome my child, you have made quite a journey”.  His voice was rich and smooth and I was surprised that I understood him. “Who are you?” I replied in voice that sounded nothing like my own. “We are the stone temple pilots, and this is our ship.” Ship? I looked around and didn’t see anything about the building that looked like a ship. Then he said, “I heard you caused quite a panic at the disco.” His eyebrows raised with amusement.  “How did you know?” I asked with shock and amazement. “The Stone Temple Pilots know everything.” Then he continued, “It has been a long time since we have had a foreigner in this land, especially one from Earth. I must take you to visit the Queen.”  Then with a fluid movement he picked up a metallic tool and pressed a few buttons. I heard a rush of wind and then we were moving.

The queen was draped in a deep purple garment that was embroidered with gold and trimmed with interesting tassles.  Dark hair flowed around her face and she was possibly the most beautiful woman that I’d ever seen. She sat on what appeared to be a large tulip and all around her were the largest and most interesting flowers in a wild array of colors. From each flower came a different sound and they swayed along to their own music.  The queen stood up and spoke in a musical voice, “Welcome to Soundgarden, please make yourself comfortable.”

As she said this, I decided to unzip the red jumpsuit apparatus that I was wearing and when I did, I was suddenly back home, sitting on my couch…